pants: T DEUCE I’M OFFICIALLY OUT OF HAPPY PILLS deuce: WELL YOU'LL FIND MY PENIS DISPENSES A SUBSTITUTE pants: DO THE CONTENTS MAKE ME HAPPY OR DO THEY MAKE YOU HAPPY deuce: [MUFFLED]

deuce: HAPPY pants: :SMILEY: deuce: SAD pants: :CRY: deuce: HAPPY pants: :SMILEY: deuce: SAD pants: :CRY: deuce: HAPPY pants: :SMILEY: deuce: GETTING FUCKEDIN THE ASS deuce: YOU HESITATED pants: :FRIES:

deuce: SURE HOPE YOU HAD A MISERABLEINDIGENOUS PEOPLES' DAY spigot: I MADE YOUA HAND TURKEY deuce: I SEE IT HAS ABIG LONG NECKAND NO FEATHERS spigot: YEP spigot: YUP

: PLEASE CONTACT YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR : AdbFE733 4dE78669 7Db6ae94 F7f2829 3aaCfAAf d2b6D5fa : 6e28aaA0 259aFBf8 9B3ccbB7 f28a89b9 47Ff7e93 84dBAc8d : D0Dfdd0D CBf80c1E 4Fd8B0CC bECF36A3 f095FECD B92A8CCb : bdad88aC 46c5064f b11BDcc7 Fd480ac4 affDaE16 8B4DEf0b : 7eBaFDBF dFAB30F5 651506eB F31Bbe1f B23Af4Cd c4fD5A2e : 67Da78bd FC06E678 3b9c525C eb67C41D 2a14e903 0e4EE3db : [Lag 0] [0/6 N/0 I/0 V/0 F/0] : AbF8aEf3 5f4C0Cfd 242b2feD 7bDCb7eC dd50045E FaEc3Ef3 : B97B9AbA Aa4A496d Ebe4DCca 1Ae59ecC cae6118D EE538236 : FdE87110 bbBcECc5 ef3FF8Ff 2da8adC6 B3a02ec0 RAPE SUSPECT : 5D88a8BC 7FB8d05A CEc64Fc2 245Af651 4FFAE992 19E : b71e8Be2 3D3577a5 67e70F63 e2cFcbcd Ad8A1a23 abB : IF THE JERKCITY GOES INTO BASIC, PLEASE TYPE "RUN" : IF IT GOES INTO MONITOR TYPE "3DOG" THEN "RUN"

deuce: [DIARRHEA SOUNDS]

spigot: JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE atandt: GOOD

pants: HELP pants: HELP I'M STUCK deuce: I'LL YANK YOU OUT deuce: (WHICH AMOUNTS TO PISSING ON YOUR FACE) pants: STUCK HARD AND FAST HERE

pants: WHAT THE HELL IS A HARDCOPY PRINTOUT WHAT KIND OF SCI-FI IS THIS deuce: ADOBE ACROBAT

:Jerkcity is love. Oh, oh, you should really be wearing a hardhat in here. dick: T DEUCE YOU "SUNK" MY "BATTLESHIP" dick: BUT NOT PANTS - YOU FLOAT MY BOAT, GIRL deuce: GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE pants: COVERED IN URINE

spigot: :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2: HARD :POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: MODE :EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER: spigot: SOMEDAY I MIGHT EVEN UNPAUSE THE BATMAN FROM WHERE IT LAY PARKED MID NIRVANA SONG spigot: OUR FINEST PISSCOATS THIS EASTER

deuce: all game quests are basically the same anyway

pants: ISRAEL IS COMMITTING GENOCIDE pants: TAIWAN IS A COUNTRY pants: CHINA OPERATES CONCENTRATION CAMPS pants: TRUMP WILL NEVER BE PROSECUTED pants: THE LAB LEAK THEORY IS UTTERLY IMPLAUSIBLE pants: JEFFREY EPSTEIN HUNG HIMSELF pants: AREA 51 IS JUST A TRAINING RANGE pants: THE SPANISH DID NOT SINK THE USS MAINE pants: BUZZ ALDRIN WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU SAY SHIT ABOUT THE MOON LANDING pants: MCCARTHY HELD A LIST OF SPIES IN HIS HANDS pants: ASHLI BABBITT'S KILLER WILL NOT BE PROSECUTED pants: YOU LOOK CUTE IN THAT TOP pants: YES YOU TOTALLY DO pants: OMG SO CUTE

pants: HEY I'M CHRIS HARDWICK deuce: I'M ANOTHER GUY ENTIRELY

deuce: PLEASE GIVE ME SOME PORN spigot: I'M LOVING MYSELF

deuce: FOLKS I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THE MIRACLE OF LIFE IS REALLY GROSS pants: AND HARDLY A MIRACLE

deuce: T PANTS =NEED YOU TAKE SOME SELFIES OF YOUR WANG (HARDON PREFERABLE) pants: I NEED MY PUMP IF WE'RE GONNA DO THAT pants: ALSO MY PUMP'S PUMP deuce: MULTIPLE PUMPS FOR SOME REASON

deuce: I would just like to say for the record that grand theft auto's portrayal of the US Army deployed on US soil is unrealistic because that would violate posse commitatus pants: putting on my goggles, going out into the nuclear zone (i'm in an 1980s post-apocalyptic movie)

spigot: HARRIET THE FAT SPY spigot: I SPY PIE spigot: I SEE CAKES OVER THERE

spigot: I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHY DICKS ARE SO WARM AND WELCOMING TO THE NEW USER BUT SO HARSH AND UNFORGIVING TO THE VETERAN

pants: POKE AN ALTOIDS-BRAND MINT INTO MY BOTTOM deuce: FLOOMPH deuce: FLOOMPH deuce: THERE'S AN EXTRA ONE FOR YOUR TIME pants: #BLESSED effigy: HAY! STOP IT RIGHT THERE! effigy: ...WE SHOULD BE GETTING PAID FOR THESE ENDORSEMENTS.

: SPIGOT THE BEAR ALL NEW EPISODES COMING THIS FALL spigot: WHO'S THE GAYEST spigot: ME RIGHT HERE

deuce: CAN YOU SEE URANUS ?!?!?!?!?! bung: POINT YOUR TELESCOPE AT THE SUN AND HAVE A PEEK deuce: ALL I SEE IS PAIN

spigot: HAVE FUN BEATING OFF WHILE FREE SPEECH IS UNDER ATTACK

pants: T DEUCE HAVE THEY FOUND YOUR BODY YET deuce: T PANTS NEGATIVE

spigot: I DESPERATELY HAVE TO GO TO THE T-O-I-L-E-T spigot: DID YOU GET MY MAIL RE: TOILET? spigot: TESTING MAIL TO PANTS ONE, TWO ARE YOU SEEING THIS TEXT TEST TEST TEST

spigot: beep boop buttplug delivery spigot: sir your buttplug is here spigot: folks got a sec spigot: ladies and gents have you heard the spigot: GET YOUR RED HOT BUTTPLUGS

spigot: HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT

pants: play with my balls deuce: please place your bag in the bagging area spigot: unknown item in the bagging area deuce: please place your item in the bag deuce: please wait for employee assistance spigot: have you scanned your club card??????

pants: HEY HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD FROM RANDS LATELY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HEARD A PEEP FROM HIM SINCE I HIT HIM WITH A SHOVEL AND PUT HIM INTO MY CRAWLSPACE

spigot: HAVING A GREAT TIME IN THE GLORYHOLE PLEASE SEND MORE KIM WILDE CD'S spigot: NO TROUBLE OFFICER

spigot: HOBLBOLHB LHABAB HLAHBLHELAHBA spigot: LOOKS LIKE THE VIDEO STORE FUCKED UP AGAIN spigot: HAVING A HARD TIME JERKING TO SCHINDLER'S LIST

pants: HAVING A STROKE (THE GOOD KIND!!!!!) pants: ALSO THE BAD KIND{{{{{{{ {{{{{{{{{{{{{ {{{{{{{{{{{{ {{{{{{{{{{{{ {{{{{{

deuce: +++ deuce: ATH deuce: I'M A HAYES-COMPATIBLE MODEM deuce: INSERT YOUR PENIS INTO ME pants: I’LL NEVER GET FIRED FOR INSERTING MY PENIS INTO YOU

spigot: HAZELNUT TORTE spigot: I WOULD LIKE YOU TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE TO ME WHILE I BEAT OFF WITH MY ATM CARD spigot: WE NEED SOME GOLD BOND MEDICATED POWDER OVER HERE

spigot: BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS HIGH DEFINITION TV?!?!?!?! AND IS IT WORTH THE STEEP PRICE?!?!?!? spigot: WHY DON'T I WRITE AN ARTICLE OR POSTULATE LOUDLY ABOUT IT ON THE BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? spigot: FOLKS IF YOU LOOK I HAVE A WIRED AND A PC WEEKLY HELPING ME WITH PROS/CONS spigot: SUCK THE DICK YOU FAT OLD MAN deuce: DOWN IN FRONT

.(pants): THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE pants: HDC: YOUR FAT FACE IS TOO CLOSE BACK IT OFF pants: MY CD-ROM DRIVE HAS AN ATTITUDE I SEE

pants: TEACH ME TO PISS WITHOUT SPLATTERING IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE pants: I CAN LEARN

deuce: IF U CN RD THS, U LK TO SCK BG DCKS pants: I CAN READ THAT !!!

pants: NUGGGGGGGGGGGGH pants: TAKE IT OFF pants: TAKE IT ALL OFF

deuce: I DEFAULT TO BEATING OFF deuce: BEATING OFF MORE (RAISING VOICE) pants: I SAID A WATER SAMPLE YOU IDIOT spigot: CAT DANDER pants: ON A BONG WITH NO NAME

deuce: T SPIGOT ARE YOU NEFERTERI SHEPHERD deuce: ANSWER ME pants: HE DOESN'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT pants: T SPIGOT YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT

deuce: WHO'S OUT THERE spigot: WANGS deuce: PLEASED TO MEET YOU, WANGS spigot: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WANGS

pants: THE GLUE FACTORY pants: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS pants: MY SOURCE IS DRUDGE pants: SELECTING MCDONALDS FROM THE START MENU pants: CHOWING DOWN ON MY OWN FIST INSTEAD pants: OM NOM NOM I EAT IT RAW pants: USING THE MOUSE TO CLICK ON YOUR CUNT pants: IPHONE SYNC IS COMPLETE (OK TO DISCONNECT)

deuce: I EAT SHIT deuce: (REGULARLY, IT IS A PROBLEM)

inebriated crustacean: HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME inebriated crustacean: I'M DRUNK RIGHT NOW, I LIKE TO PINCH STUFF WHILE I WANDER AROUND UNDERWATER BUT THE VERY BEST PART IS (PAY CLOSE ATTENTION AND TAKE NOTES) inebriated crustacean: I EAT THINGS I FIND pants: WELCOME, TALKING DRUNKEN CRUSTACEAN

spigot: THE CLOSEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS BEATING OFF !!! spigot: SURELY YOU'RE SUCKING MY DICK MR. FEYNMAN ?!?!??!?!

pants: SUCKING DICK IN THE SHADOW OF HEROD'S MASSACRE OF THE INNOCENTS

: DEUCE RAISES HIS HAND deuce: I HAVE A QUESTION spigot: ***BUSTY** AMATEURS WITH TINY TITTIES

spigot: GOD WILL GUIDE pants: HE HAS LEFT THIS PLACE pants: THE CHOICE (DRAMATIC PAUSE) (TOILET SOUNDS) IS YOURS pants: OR I COULD JUST EAT ON THIS SANDWICH FOR A WHILE LONGER

deuce: I WANT YOUR FULL AND UNDIVIDED ATTENTION deuce: WHOEVER STOLE MY BRA SHOULD REALLY RETURN IT RIGHT ABOUT NOW

deuce: HOW COME YOU ARE CHEWING ON IT BUT THE AMOUNT LEFT TO GO KEEPS INCREASING ??? pants: I AM A PRO

pants: god has a plan for all us pants: even you pants: he is merciful and bi deuce: no spoilers!!!

deuce: SO WHY CAN'T YOU SHUFFLE CARDS (atandt): CONSTIPATION deuce: THAT TOTALLY SUCKS DUDE atandt: I LEAK WHEN I SHUFFLE deuce: IS IT MOSTLY AIR OR MOSTLY LIQUID atandt: BUT NOTHING BIG COMES OUT

pants: AHLGHUALGHLAG pants: YEAH pants: I LIKES IT pants: GRUNT DUH MOOO HUFF HUFF HUFF pants: TEABAG ALL GNOMES pants: MAKE A MAN OUT OF ME pants: GO ON

deuce: PA RUM PA PUM PUM / CUM IN MY BUM spigot: AND THEN HE DIED AND THOSE ARE HIS LAST WORDS spigot: DEUCE LOVED TO RHYME spigot: WHETHER IT BE DICKS WITH PRICKS OR DONGS WITH TONGS OR BEERS WITH QUEERS spigot: DEUCE LOVED TO LICK DICK spigot: LIGHTS DIM, WHAT ABOUT LOVE, SLIDE SHOW : DEUCE : 1998-2015

pants: T DEUCE YOU WANT MY BODY pants: MMMMMM deuce: T PANTS I MAY pants: MY GYPSY GIRL

pants: OOF OW pants: BONK BONK BONK BONK pants: PLEASE SIR deuce: STOP SQUIRMING

deuce: LET'S ALL MOVE TO JERKCITY atandt: PACKING deuce: FAG TRAP atandt: STILL PACKING pants: ALSO PACKING

pants: ZZZ SNORK WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT DICKS

atandt: I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT atandt: FROM TODAY ON, MY BALLS ARE NO LONGER PUBLIC DOMAIN atandt: THERE WILL BE A SMALL LICENSING FEE pants: ZZZZ

net: COCKS? net: WHY DO THEY CALL YOU PANTS? net: I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU WEAR ANY pants: ZZZ

pants: HULAGHULAHGLUAHGLUAHGLAHLUAHLAHULHALAG OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE NINE DEAD NURSES WILL SURELY GET ME AN AUDIENCE WITH ANN RULE HAGBAUBAGLHJAG

deuce: I LIKE DICK pants: YOU SURE DO

pants: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I AM ONE BAD RABBIT pants: ALL SUSPECTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY pants: I VOTE DICKS

pants: I WANT A WATER SAMPLE (HOLD STILL) deuce: THAT HURTS (MY FEELINGS)

pants: I WILL WRECK YOU SEXUALLY deuce: I WOULD LIKE THAT

pants: I WOULD LIKE TO FIGHT WETNESS pants: BEFORE IT STARTS

deuce: I'M A TOILET pants: I MUST USE YOU deuce: PLEASE FLUSH AFTERWARDS

pants: DICKS!!!!!!!! LUAHGLUAHUGLAUHGLHAGLUAHALGHLGHL OW OW OW HLKAGHULAHGLAHGLHAGLHLAHLUGAG OW OW HULAGUHLAGHULUHALGHULAHUGA OW OW NOT LEARNING LUGHLAHGLUAHGLUAHLGG

pants: AT THIS POINT WE'VE TESTED YOU FOR STRESS AND NOW WE'RE JUST TRYING TO SEE WHAT YOU'LL EAT spigot: (STAGE WHISPERING) HE'S EATING OTHELLO PIECES pants: THE COCONUT ALMOND NUTBUTTERS WERE NOT EVEN OPENED spigot: COCONUT ALMOND NUTBUTTERS READS LIKE STRIKE ONE, STRIKE TWO, STRIKE THREE

spigot: FOLKS, GONNA START THE DRINKING EARLY SO I CAN GET A HEAD START ON MY AFTERNOON NAP

pants: ARE YOU SURE MAGIC BUTTHOLE INSURANCE IS A GOOD IDEA deuce: IT'S NOT INSURANCE IT'S A GUARANTEE pants: JUST FILL IT WITH ROOT BEER AND GET ON WITH IT deuce: A MAGIC BUTTHOLE FLOAT pants: ADD SOME ICED CREAM deuce: HEADCRABS

spigot: FATHER OF SLAINSIX YEAR OLD SPEAKS OUT spigot: BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEYHOWARD STERN'S PENIS spigot: IF YOU VACCINATEAN AUTISTIC CHILDIT PUTS HIM OR HERIN A SPECIAL SECRETVIDEO GAME MODE

deuce: I'M HEADWARD BOUND net: I'M DIRTY net: SOMEONE CLEAN ME deuce: WE ARE ONE net: PROBABLY A GOOD HOSING OFF WOULD DO deuce: MY HOSE IS EMPTY

pants: @DAPHEKNEE TREE LIMBS THAT TOUCH OR FALL ON POWER LINES CAN CAUSE ELECTRICAL OUTAGES, PROPERTY DAMAGE, FIRES AND PERSONAL INJURY pants: @DAPHEKNEE TREE PRUNING IS NOT ONLY IMPORTANT IT'S NECESSARY pants: @DAPHEKNEE ARBORISTS RECOMMEND THAT TREES BE PRUNED FOR THEIR HEALTH, SAFETY AND LONGEVITY

deuce: I HAD A DREAM THAT YOU HAD A GAY DREAM pants: WHOA pants: WHAT IS A GAY DREAM IN A NON-GAY DREAM IF NOT A GAY DREAM pants: I MEAN ANY NUMBER OF GAY BITS MAKE ALL FIELDS GAY pants: THIS IS WHY WE ALL SHOULD BE ISOLATED AND NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE pants: I'M CELEBRATING WITH HEALTHY EATING CHOICES AND WATER FROM THE SINK

pants: T SPIGOT HEAR ME OUT I'M JUST SAYIN' JUST SPITBALLIN' pants: BUT WHAT IF WE DID pants: WAIT FOR IT pants: SO CLOSE pants: IMPROV OVER ZOOM

spigot: JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M THINKING OF YOU AND I'M GLAD WE'RE FRIENDS pants: :HEARTS: spigot: SIR THE REACTION EMOJI IS LITERALLY A BIG FAT FUCK YOU

spigot: MICROWAVE PUMPKIN BARS pants: ARE WE PLAYING MATCH GAME pants: BECAUSE IF WE ARE I NEED TO BE EXCUSED pants: THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH pants: MY HEART

spigot: JOHN GLENN BEGINS PRACTICE COUNTDOWN spigot: THREE spigot: HURFMBPH deuce: HEART ATTACK spigot: DRIBBLING

deuce: THE TERM "HEARTBURN" IS A MISNOMER deuce: IT'S ACTUALLY YOUR HEART DROWNING

deuce: I'M IN THE HEARTLAND pants: I SMOKE THE DIE FASTER BRAND deuce: WE SHALL MEET JESUS TOGETHER

deuce: I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A HEART TO HEART ABOUT YOUR PACKAGE (ADDRESSED TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR)

deuce: CAN I GO TO HEAVEN NOW pants: ALMOST deuce: ABOUT HALFWAY UP OR WHAT DO YOU THINK pants: JUST PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING

pants: T DEUCE I GOT VERY GAY LAST NIGHT pants: T DEUCE I AM RECOVERING NICELY (IN-N-OUT, BONGHITS) deuce: T PANTS ARE YOU INTO HEAVY PETTING pants: T DEUCE I WILL LET YOU GO TO FIFTH BASE AND NO FURTHER

spigot: WHY ARE THE BACKGROUNDS WHITE THIS WEEK pants: THEY'RE AT THE DRY CLEANERS pants: SOMEBODY SPILLED RED WINE ALL OVER THE FIELD spigot: DID THEY FIND OUT WHO SPILLED THE BONGWATER pants: SHUT UP RIGHT NOW spigot: I ALSO KNOW YOU LET THE CRAB BACKSTAGE lobster: I DRANK TOO MUCH

pants: T DEUCE ALL THE PROSTITUTES YOU KILLED ARE GOING TO GREET YOU IN HELL deuce: T PANTS WHATEVER !!!!!!!!!!!

pants: HEIL ME LIKE HITLER

deuce: I AM BEING HELD UNDERWATER OOOOOO pants: I WILL SAVE YOU deuce: ........... deuce: DROWNED

dick: I AM WOMAN / SEE ME GROW

pants: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT pants: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT pants: DAMN STRAIGHT pants: HELL YES pants: I CONCUR pants: INDEED pants: SIR YES SIR pants: ALL RIGHT THEN

atandt: HELLO ?? YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER atandt: HELLO ?? PLEASE HOLD FOR THE CASTING DIRECTOR atandt: HELLO ?? YES THIS IS JERKCITY atandt: WHY YES OUR REFRIGERATOR IS RUNNING atandt: WHAT atandt: GRR atandt: HELLO ?? I'M SORRY HE'S OUT OF THE OFFICE RIGHT NOW atandt: I'LL TELL HIM YOU CALLED THANKS atandt: HELLO ?? LET ME TRANSFER YOU TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT atandt: PLEASE HOLD pants: WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING PHONES atandt: WE'RE SHORT OF HELP THIS SEASON AND-- pants: I DON'T REALLY CARE YOU KNOW

deuce: YOU GAVE ME THE CLAP effigy: THAT WAS YOUR MOTHER

: ULDA : |ERE pants: pants: HELLO pants: OKAY (pants): YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

spigot: HELLO ONLINE FRIENDS!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! !! spigot: I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF I'VE BEEN LURKING FOR ABOUT spigot: A MONTH NOW AND I ALSO LIKE TO SUCK DICK LIKE A spigot: DUMB FAGGOT!!!!! OKAY BYE!!!! spigot {{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}

deuce: I TOTALLY SEE WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO THERE (WEARING MY HELMET, SMOKING MY PIPE, TWIRLING AN UMBRELLA) pants: (UNICYCLE, OVERALLS, ONE MAN BAND)

spigot: HELP / I NEED SOMEBODY spigot: HELP / NOT JUST ANYBODY spigot: BAM BAM BAM SIR IN THE NEXT STALL I AM ASKING FOR HELP spigot: I AM REACHING MY HAND UNDER THE PARTITION FOR COINS/TOKENS

spigot: HELP spigot: I'VE FALLEN DOWN A VERY DEEP MINESHAFT spigot: I'VE BROKEN EVERY BONE IN MY BODY spigot: I'M IMPALED ON IRON REBAR IN AT LEAST THREE PLACES spigot: I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH pants: (REDDIT VOICE) YOU GOT THIS

deuce: :FORTUNE_COOKIE: TODAY YOU WILL GET _GANG RAPED_ spigot: DID YOU MEAN _GROUP HUGGED_ deuce: IT'S A SPECIAL HUG

spigot: IF ONLY I HAD A HAMMER AND A MAP TO MOTEL 6 spigot: THUMP THUMP THUMP spigot: LET ME OUT OF HERE PEOPLE !!! IT'S THE WEEKEND SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BE HERE UNTIL MONDAY deuce: T SPIGOT I'M ON MY WAY