deuce: hey check out my dick pants: that is a completely normal dick deuce: dick type: STANDARD

pants: IT'S COMPLETELY STIMULATING pants: IT REALLY IS

spigot: I ALSO LIKE TO ENVISION A COMPLETELY STUPID AMERICANIZED VERSION, WITH JEAN-CHARLES WEARING A BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAP AND BAGGY PANTS, RAPPING ABOUT BEING FRENCH

spigot: I'M DIZZY AND WANDERING NAKED AND COLD THROUGH A COMPLEX MARKETPLACE spigot: WHERE WAS I spigot: BLAH BLAH POOH AND PIGLET deuce: CAN I MEET MICKEY

: PANTS SAYS ALOUD: "TIVO, MANASS" : PANTS FROWNS WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS pants: TIVO! MANASS! RIGHT FUCKING NOW deuce: YOU HAVE TO SAY COMPUTER FIRST

spigot: I NEED YOU ALL TO PLEASE GET OFF MY HEAD AND LEGS spigot: WHAT ARE WE ALL DOING STUFFED IN HERE ANYWAY spigot: CLEARLY IN VIOLATION OF FIRE CODES pants: THIS IS THE BEST WIRING CLOSET EVER

spigot: CONCERNED ABOUT MY BLISTER................. AND TOM HANKS' BLISTER?!?!?!?!?!!? deuce: T SPIGOT YOURS WILL NOT MAKE IT TO THE NEWSREELS spigot: DEVELOPMENT DEALS?!?!?!? spigot: BOSOM BLISTERS?!?!?!? LET'S GO AROUND pants: FORK YOU !!!!!!!!!!

deuce: FUCKERS pants: CHOKING YOU pants: WORKING AN ANGLE pants: HOW TO GET TO THE DICK spigot: I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE MOUSTACHE INJECTION

(spigot): CONCERNED ABOUT AREA 51 deuce: I'M CONCERNED ABOUT MY LACK OF PORNOGRAPHY spigot: C O I N C I D E N C E ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

pants: DEAR CONCERNED WOMEN OF AMERICA, pants: I HAVE AN AMAZING MOUTH pants: FEEL FREE TO BACKPACK IN, CAMP OUT pants: I PROMISE NOT TO EAT YOU pants: BWAHAHA IDIOT WHORES* CHOMP CHOMP CHEW : * if the phrase "idiot whores" is offensive, please substitute with "stupid bitches"

spigot: CONCERNED ABOUT THE PORN deuce: DON'T WORRY HONEY deuce: EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT deuce: JUST STICK YOUR HEAD IN THERE spigot: DARK deuce: BE QUIET spigot: DAMP deuce: SHUT UP deuce: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP THE PORN WILL NEVER COME

effigy: mmmmm pants: gluh effigy: concur pants: hhhhh effigy: I THINK WE HAVE A QUORUM

effigy: CONCUSSION :: HAS LEFT THE ROOM

pants: I'M THE ONE WHO DID IT pants: I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY pants: BUT IT TURNED OUT AWFUL

deuce: CONGRATULATIONS FOR DOING SOMETHING USELESS

pants: YEAH THIS WEEK WE'RE ACTUALLY NOT GONNA RUN YOUR POLITICAL CARTOON WHERE A FAT CAT WITH DOLLAR SIGN EYEBALLS BLOWS CIGAR SMOKE AT A BUNCH OF SHEEP WEARING CLOWN WIGS AND HONKING HORNS AT THE CIRCUS ON A SINKING SHIP spigot: WHAT IF THE SHIP IS NAMED S.S. THE GOVERNMENT

pants: HOW TO COMBINE BONERS AND BOOMERANGS atandt: ANSWER: "ABORIGINE LONGSNAKE" pants: QUESTION: "HOW DID I GET DOWN HERE AND HOW DO I GET OUT" atandt: YOU DID NOT PHRASE THE QUESTION IN THE FORM OF A HAIKU atandt: RING RING CONNECT 1200

pants: ```CONNECTION CLOSED BY FOREIGN HOST``` spigot: ARE YOU SAD THAT I'M MINDLESS BETA GOONBOT WHO NEEDS TO EMPTY MY WALLET spigot: HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR SOMETHING AS COOL AS BEATING OFF TO GET DUMBER AND STUPIDER AND LAMER spigot: EITHER YOU DO OR DO NOT DARE ME TO LAY MY PENIS ATOP MY MACINTOSH

pants: LOBBY pants: You are in a public restroom. The floor and walls are decorated in tasteful tiles. Smells funny in here. There are stalls to the south, west and east. Hint: Type "quests" to show progress in the game. ** NEW QUEST: LEAVE THE PUBLIC BATHROOM ** pants: Connection closed by foreign host.

spigot: THESE PRIMITIVE DIGGING INSTRUMENTS LATER GAVE WAY FOR ONE OF THE BIGGEST BREAKTHROUGHS OF ALL TIME: THE PORN SHOVEL

deuce: BONEQUEST IS NOT FUNNY *AGAIN* spigot: THE ASTERISKS REALLY *LEAP* OUT AND MAKE ME NOT CARE

deuce: WHAT CONSENTING ADULTS DO WITHIN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME IS STILL DISGUSTING

spigot: I CAN'T FIT MY PANTS ON OVER ALL THIS POO spigot: GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW I TOOK SUCH A BIG CRAP ALL OVER MYSELF spigot: CONSERVATION OF MATTER DOESN'T APPLY TO ME

deuce: AHEM PAY ATTENTION TO THE DUCKLING BECAUSE HE WILL BE YOUR LEGAL GUARDIAN FROM NOW ON (FOOTSTEPS, OPEN DOOR, SLAM DOOR, MUCH QUIETER FOOTSTEPS FADING TO SILENCE) pants: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED BALLS deuce: CONSIDERED AND REJECTED: BALLS DO NOT QUACK pants: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT (WAGGLING EYEBROWS) deuce: HOLY FUCKING SHIT PEOPLE

deuce: CAN I HAVE HEAD AT LEAST spigot: UH

spigot: I'M THE CONSPIRACY DONG spigot: HURTS TO TALK

spigot: CONST COCK spigot: THAT'S SHORT FOR "CONSTANTLY COCK" spigot: I AM FUCKING TALKING TO YOU PEOPLE

.(spigot): DICKS .(pants): DICKS pants: ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING ?!?!?!?!? spigot: I CANNOT SAY spigot: THIS BONGHIT WILL MAKE ME FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: THREE spigot: TWO spigot: ONE spigot: WHO PUT A BOOT ON MY NUTS pants: FLAPJACKS AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS BREAKFAST / BREAKFAST-RELATED FOODS

net: LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES: THERE ARE DICKS CONSTANTLY BATTERING YOUR ASSHOLE deuce: SO TRUE

deuce: CAN I GIVE YOU A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM pants: SURE deuce: SUCK A COCK

spigot: JUST GET ME TO THE BEAT OFF SHIT spigot: CONTENT IS KING spigot: HURRRRRRRR 1998 spigot: OBTASTELESS: I TOOK A SHIT

pants: CONTENT WARNING: THIS REPORT INVOLVES DETAILS THAT MAY BE UPSETTING TO READERS. spigot: JUST GONNA ENJOY A QUICK BALONEY

spigot: CONTINUE READING THIS SALON PREMIUM ARTICLE FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS >>

hanford: WE ARE AN UPPERCASE CARTOON hanford: THIS IS THE LIFE YOU CHOSE hanford: LOOK DO YOU NEED SOMETHING I HAVE A DRIVER WAITING

.(spigot): JUST GOING TO PICTURE A COLD TOILET SEAT

deuce: I AM CHIEFLY COMPOSED OF ADAMANTIUM atandt: T DEUCE I'M MADE OF BORON deuce: T ATANDT AWESOME THAT MEANS YOU'RE A LIGHT ELEMENT SO I CAN FUCK YOU atandt: T DEUCE SHOW ME YOUR CONTROL ROD :: EXPOSES HIMSELF

pants: DEAR PEPPERIDGE FARM pants: I AM WRITING TO YOU REGARDING YOUR DESSERT BLISS TREAT pants: NAMELY THE COOKIES & CREME FLAVOR pants: I AM NOT ABLE TO DIGEST YOUR FOODSTUFFS pants: AT FACE VALUE THIS WOULD BE WORRYSOME

pants: WELL MAYBE JUST DON’T VISIT WEBSITES THAT USE COOKIES THEN

pants: WHAT IF INSTEAD OF A 3 BODY PROBLEM IT WAS A 900 PENIS PROBLEM AND THEN INSTEAD OF 900 PENISES IT WAS A COOKIES, CAKES AND PIES PROBLEM AND WE HAD OUR OWN NETFLIX SHOW CALLED COOKIES, PIES AND CAKES AND IT WASN'T A PROBLEM AT ALL pants: COOKIES, CAKES AND PIES RENEWED FOR SECOND SEASON, CORBIN BERNSEN TO JOIN CAST AS REGULAR

spigot: ARE YOU IN COOKING SCHOOL SO YOU CAN HELP PEOPLE TAKE MORE EXPENSIVE SHITS

deuce: KILL ME, DRAIN MY BLOOD, CHOP ME UP, BAKE ME FOR WAY TOO LONG, AND BAM YOU'VE GOT DEUCE JERKY

pants: Cut the apple into thin wedges, then cut the wedges into half-inch pieces; place in the garbage can and eat the entire bag of Ghirardelli chocolate squares.

spigot: I HAVE TO OPEN SOMETHING????? spigot: WHERE AM I GOING TO GET HOT spigot: I HAVE TO WHAT??????????

pants: DEAR EMINEM, pants: I HOPE EIGHT MILE IS BETTER THAN CROSSROADS, GLITTER pants: REALLY HOPING WE GET TO SEE MORE OF YOUR MIDDLE FINGER THIS YEAR !!! SO IS KIM SINGLE OR WHAT NOW ??? LOVE PANTS FROM JERKCITY

spigot: K O Y A A N I S Q U I R T S I spigot: how about just tits without the woman bolted on spigot: am i being detained pants: sir please roll down your window

pants: I'LL HAVE ME SOME OF THAT GAY LIME PIE PLEASE spigot: MY FAT WANG IS COOL SITE OF THE DAY spigot: I ASSURE YOU IT IS THE FATTEST COOLEST SITE OF EVERY DAY pants: MY BIG FAT FACE AND YOUR BIG FAT FACE AND OUR BIG FAT FACES

atandt: DONGS pants: WHERE atandt: RIGHT HERE pants: COOL THANKS atandt: NO PROB pants: HLUAGHLUAGHLAUHAHLHLHAG

pants: have you forsaken me (it's okay if you have, i'm cool with that) deuce: no but God sure as fuck has pants: i'm so ashamed and horny

spigot: folks you're cordially invited to a night of black mold and asbestos and dehydration and suffocation

pants: FILE CR* pants: LS pants: LS -LA pants: FAT *.* : PANTS DUMPS CORE

deuce: SOMEONE CORK THAT SAILOR UP pants: MAKE HIM WALK THE JOHN LINE

DEUCE: MY ASS IS LEAKY DEUCE: CORKS ???!?!? PLUGS ?!?!?!?? WINE VATS ?!?!?!? PANTS: ARE YOU A BONITA BANANA

spigot: HOW MANY CORN BUGLES DO YOU THINK I CAN WEAR ON MY PENIS deuce: OBVIOUSLY JUST THE ONE spigot: I THINK YOU'RE FORGETTING THEY'RE STACKABLE

deuce: CORNHOLING IS AGAME PEOPLE PLAY spigot: WHAT ABOUT CORN >>>>> DOGGING <<<<< ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? spigot: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES:SEVENTY SIX / FAT / PRICKSIN YOUR FACE / TODAY:MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES: :MUSICAL_NOTES:

deuce: IT IS MY LEARNED OPINION THAT CORNERSTONE IS PERHAPS THE WORST INFOCOM TEXT ADVENTURE EVER CREATED

pants: WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THOSE PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN YOU WERE GONNA GET ME deuce: BUSY pants: CORNERING YOU, FORCING YOU TO JACK ME OFF deuce: NOT POSSIBLE, WE'RE ON DIFFERENT PLANETS NOW

spigot: "DON'T LOAD UP ON BREAD" :POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: NICE """ADVICE"""" spigot: MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO LOAD UP ON CORPORATE CONSUMER CONSUMPTION CULTURE pants: BUT IT'S DELICIOUS

pants: corset waist training but for my dong pants: Editors' Note: This post has been corrected to remove phrasing that was copied from Wikipedia.

spigot: did xkcd ever figure out the cosine of the {{{heart}}} or did he get aids from a million bleeding aids dicks

deuce: t pants let's start doing a board game night deuce: but we'll play nothing but Cosmic Encounter and then engage in a murder-suicide pact pants: are you ready to butthole deuce: is the verb to butthole transitive or intransitive deuce: I'll wait for the answer right here pants: we'll be right back after these messages pants: and we're back

deuce: I JUST TOOK A SHIT OF THE IMAGINATION pants: BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF BUTTERY, FLAKY SAFEWAY SELECT CROISSANTS spigot: EVIDENCE OF STAR STUFF ALL DOWN THE FRONT OF MY SLACKS

deuce: I'M GOING TO PUT YOU TO WORK PICKING COTTON pants: XDVXFDFH

pants: GARK GARK GARK GARK GARK GARK COUGH IT'S OVER

deuce: I LIKE COUGHING, APPARENTLY pants: IT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE pants: AND HOW OTHERS AROUND YOU KNOW pants: TOILET PISS

deuce: NTMU BB pants: SHOW FEET

pants: IS THIS THE END OF DEUCE'S SHITS deuce: COULD BE

spigot: HIDING UNDER THE DESK IN THE CAFETERIA pants: CALL SECURITY spigot: COULD USE EXTENSION CORD

pants: who wants to choke on some unspecified object deuce: could we request a clarification re: unspecified object pants: rather not deuce: I see pants: it's a surprise

spigot: COULD YOU ALL PLEASE RESIZE YOUR MOUTHS LIKE SO: spigot: <-----------> spigot: OKAY SUPER

deuce: COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR pants: ? deuce: COULD YOU SUCK ON MY LITTLE TINY PENCIL DICK pants: I CAN BE THERE IN 40 MINS, 30 IF I DON'T SHOWER deuce: I DON'T THINK A SHOWER IS NECESSARY SINCE I'M JUST GOING TO JIZZ ALL OVER YOU AND THEREBY MAKE YOU DIRTY pants: K

deuce: COULD YOU PLEASE ELABORATE deuce: AND BY THAT I MEAN SUCK ON MY NUTS UNTIL YOU TURN PURPLE

pants: BUT IF YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW, PLEASE MAKE A DONATION pants: BUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH pants: WORD UP spigot: COULD YOU PLEASE NOT STARE AT ME WHILE I JERK THANKS

pants: HELLO deuce: HI pants: I'M HERE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER deuce: A LITTLE LESS SHOUTING PLEASE pants: I WAS SHOUTING BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY deuce: I LIKE DICK pants: LIKE I SAID deuce: DOES ANYONE ELSE TOO??? deuce: ANYONE?????? pants: COUNT ME TWICE

pants: IF WE'RE ALL SETTLED I CAN BEGIN THE CUM COUNTDOWN pants: ** SPLORK **

deuce: 4 deuce: 3 deuce: 2 deuce: 1 deuce: HONK

pants: CHANGES ARE IN THE WIND FOR FULL-SIZE LUXURY AUTOMOBILE OWNERS

deuce: PLEASE RUB MY DICK COUNTERCLOCKWISE bung: AND IF I RUB YOU CLOCKWISE? deuce: THEN THE UNIVERSE COLLAPSES deuce: CHOOSE WISELY YOUNG ONE

atandt: WHICH ONE AM I AGAIN atandt: CLOCKWISE OR THE OTHER deuce: LOOK AT YOUR TATTOO

deuce: fabric-touching pants: leaking pants: dicklicker's holiday pants: how you want it baby pants: more of a country mouse pants: scunthorpe pants: look to your left pants: look to your right pants: money's on the bedstand now get out

deuce: DENZEL'S USING A POWERBOOK SO YOU KNOW THE MOVIE IS FAKE RIGHT THERE

spigot: MORALLY AND ETHICALLY OBLIGATED TO POO MY PANTS spigot: PERMISSION TO POO MY PANTS ON THE STAND spigot: EITHER DIRECTLY ON THE BIBLE OR DURING CROSS

spigot: YOUR HONOR, WEBSTER'S NEW WORLD COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY DEFINES "CHILD TRAFFICKING" AS

pants: OBJECTION OVERRULED, EAT MORE PIE spigot: I OBJECT TO HOW FAT I AM spigot: HOMPH HOMPH HOMPH pants: DICKS AND WHAT HAVE YOU spigot: OBJECTION YOUR HONOR BECAUSE ONE EYE IS LOOKING AT THE THE WALL AND ONE EYE IS LOOKING AT MY NUTS deuce: HELLO FELLOW FAGGOTS pants: WELL HI THERE

spigot: HURMPH GURF AT THIS TIME I WOULD LIKE TO NOMINATE LESS COCKS OW OW pants: MOTION DENIED pants: YOUR WITNESS spigot: I WOULD LIKE TO CALL MY MOUTH AND BALLS TO THE STAND

spigot: BY ANY CHANCE DID I LEAVE MY PENIS PUMP AT THE COVENSTEAD

atandt: ATTENTION SPACE TRAVELLERS pants: WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR ACTUALLY HAPPENED ozone: PUT ON STURDY SHOES atandt: PLEASE KEEP YOUR PARTY TOGETHER AS YOU WALK THROUGH THE TURNSTILES ozone: COVER YOUR HEAD AND NECK WITH YOUR ARMS pants: MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THE NEW HOMELAND SECURITY spigot: HURR-HUH UHH-BUH atandt: BE SURE TO TAPE CRACKS FOR EXTRA PROTECTION hanford: BUSINESS PRODUCING HAZARDOUS WASTE pants: AND IF IT MEANS PLAYING LIKE YOU DID TODAY, I'LL BE THERE EVERY DAY atandt: A MESSAGE FROM THE U.S. DEPT OF AGRICULTURE spigot: HURR-HUH UHH-BUH ozone: COVER YOUR HEAD AND NECK WITH YOUR ARMS ozone: COVER YOUR HEAD AND NECK WITH YOUR ARMS ozone: COVER YOUR HEAD AND NECK WITH YOUR ARMS ozone: COVER YOUR HEAD AND NECK WITH YOUR ARMS ozone: COVER YOUR HEAD AND NECK WITH YOUR ARMS ozone: COVER YOUR HEAD AND NECK WITH YOUR ARMS

pants: WE ARE FRIENDS (JUMPING, HUGGING) deuce: T PANTS DID I MISS PART OF THE CONVERSATION pants: T DEUCE IT YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MY WIENER CLEANER THAN IT'S NOT GAY deuce: EWW pants: FOR EXAMPLE LET'S SAY IT IS COVERED IN LINT

pants: CAN I JUST PUT MY HEAD IN YOUR LAP pants: PETITE MARSHMELLOWS PLEASE

pants: COVID TEST NEGATIVE pants: WE CAN SAFELY RESUME SPITTING IN EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS deuce: DID YOU TAKE IT CORRECTLY (RECTALLY) pants: I DON'T SEE WHY IT HAS TO STAY UP THERE SO LONG deuce: AND ALSO IT HAS TO BE REPEATEDLY INSERTED IN AND PULLED OUT pants: ONLY AFTER THE 4TH HOUR

pants: KNOCK KNOCK deuce: WHO'S THERE pants: INTERRUPTING COW deuce: INTERRUP pants: MMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO deuce: KNOCK KNOCK pants: WHO'S THERE deuce: EXTREMELY POLITE COW pants: EXTREMELY POLITE COW WHO deuce: MOO

spigot: I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS ISN'T THE COW PALACE spigot: PLEASE POP A COCK IN MY MOUTH TO SUSPEND MY LEVEL OF DISBELIEF

pants: MAKE A COW SOUND deuce: ZZZ deuce: COCKS pants: YAY pants: MAKE A FROG SOUND deuce: PRICKS pants: NOW MAKE A HALGHULAG HLHA HLHALGHALAHLUGHAHLUGHLAUG NEVERMIND deuce: MOO pants: HAULGHULAHGLUAHULGAG I'M IN A MEETING pants: I'LL GLAHGULA LAHGLUAHUL GET BACK TO YOU deuce: QUACK pants: BLUH HUGALUGA SPLUTTER HUGALUGA

spigot: do you care if i hook up my CPAP to the blue shock mountain dew slurpee machine

deuce: HOLY GOD THEY'RE ACTUAL DICKS deuce: NOT THE FAKE DICKS LIKE YOU SEE IN THE STORES deuce: NARRATOR: DEUCE IS APPARENTLY THINKING OF CRAB MEAT

PANTS: INSERTING CRABAPPLES INTO MY ASS: FOOMP ONE DEUCE: WHERE ARE THEY GOING PANTS: FOOMP TWO DEUCE: THEY'RE JUST DISAPPEARING PANTS: FOOOOOOMP THRRRRRREEEEEEE DEUCE: THERE'S SOME KIND OF MAGICAL PORTAL IN Y-- OH THERE THEY ARE AGAIN, GROSS

pants: THE DON'T USE BAD WORDS PUPPET HOUR OF DICK deuce: YOU'RE A STRANGE FAGGOT AREN'T YOU deuce: YOU'RE A CRACK BABY pants: PLUS I EAT THINGS I FIND ON THE GROUND pants: HOOK ME UP TO MY TUBE PLEASE

spigot: CLEAR spigot: ^C spigot: ?BREAK IN 20 spigot: ]LIST spigot: 10 REM **** JERKCITY **** spigot: 20 REM ** REALLY CRANKING THE MORRISSEY ** spigot: 30 REM ** CAPTAIN CRUNCH TRIED TO FUCK ME ** spigot: CRACKED BY SPIGOT THE BEAR

atandt: I'M A WHITE RAPPER deuce: AWESOME atandt: A PFTFTFT PFFTFTF WONDER BREAD BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY deuce: THE ***PREMIUM*** CRACKER deuce: T ATANDT GET IT