spigot: I BEAT OFF IN THE CAR WITH SAFEWAY CONDITIONER

spigot: 99 BOTTLES OF DICK IN MY MOUTH deuce: HA spigot: CAN YOU AT LEAST WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH THE JOKE BEFORE YOUR DUMB LAUGHTER spigot: 99 BOTTLES OF DICK spigot: YOU CHOKE THEM DOWN AND POKE EM AROUND spigot: 98 BOTTLES OF DICK IN MY MOUTH spigot: 98 BOTTLES OF DICK IN MY MOUTH spigot: 98 BOTTLES OF DICK spigot: YOU CH spigot: DECEASED

spigot: ON A SCALE OF YELLOW TO BROWN, YELLOW BEING TINKLE spigot: WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M A HAND HUMPING LOSER AND MY GANG SIGN IS LITERALLY MAKING AN L ON MY HEAD spigot: CAN YOU SEE ME WIGGLING A PINKY FINGER INDICATING MY SAD, SMALL PENIS deuce: BROWN

pants: THE LORDJESUS CHRISTHIMSELF spigot: DIARRHEAALL OVERTHE PELOTON PLUS

spigot: T DEUCE WILL YOU JOIN ME AT THE MILKING TABLE pants: COME ON MAN I’M RIGHT HERE YOU KNOW I LOVE THE MILKING TABLE HE WON’T BE AWAKE FOR HOURS

deuce: I GOT MY AMAZON ECHO !!!! THROWING IT IN THE TRASH WITHOUT OPENING THE BOX

spigot: BLK BLK BLK ASMR DICKLICKING spigot: (COCKSUCKING)

pants: U GOT A HARD-ON MISTER GRINCH spigot: :NOTES: HEY / OFFICER KRUP / KE spigot: I'M TRANS BTW :NOTES:

pants: PRETTY SURE COLONEL KURTZ ISN’T UP THE RIVER AND WE SHOULD ALL JUST GO HOME spigot: I HEARD HE'S (TINKERBELL SOUND AND GESTURE) pants: (EYES POPPING OUT) (CLAPPING SO HARD I FLOAT OFF THE GROUND) (FOG HORN)

deuce: TOGETHER pants: FOREVER deuce: UNTIL DEATH DO US PAR [[[TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED BY MURDER-SUICIDE]]] pants: WISH ME LUCK (PUSHES OWN FACE INTO TOILET, FLUSHES) deuce: (LAST DYING BREATH) FREE MARS.

deuce: OKAY THIS BOOSTER CLEARLY ISN'T WORKING BECAUSE MY WANG IS GROWING LARGER AND LARGER BY THE MINUTE pants: I CAN SEE IT FROM SPACE spigot: FIRST JAB I PUFFED UP LIKE A BALLOON CAUSE WE WENT TO A DOUBLE DRIVE-THRU KRISPY KREME IN-N-OUT BURGER AFTER

pants: SWEATPANTS pants: T-SHIRT pants: CARDIGAN SWEATER pants: I AM pants: PROUD TO pants: BE A BED WETTER

deuce: IF I TYPE "DICKS" THE SUGGESTED NEXT WORD IS "SELF-SUCKING" WHICH IS WEIRD IN AT LEAST TWO WAYS pants: SHRUG

spigot: INTRODUCING FART FONTS spigot: THEY MAKE FART SOUNDS WHEN YOU TYPE THEM MAYBE spigot: INTRODUCING PLUS FARTS spigot: YOU DO A FART BUT YOU CAN ALSO CONFIGURE IT

spigot: U GOT NOG ROLLED spigot: IN THAT YOU DRANK EGG NOG AND ORDERED EGG ROLLS AND NOW YOU'RE ON THE TOILET IN THE DARK

pants: WHAT TIME DOES YOUR PIER 31 MAGIC SHOW START spigot: EVERY 2 HOURS WITH TWO 15MIN BREAKS AND ONE 30MIN BREAK FOR LUNCH spigot: PROBLEM IS THE RESTROOMS ARE 20 MINS AWAY pants: 15 MINUTES IS BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO THROW CINDER BLOCKS AT THE ELEPHANT SEALS spigot: I JUST LEAVE THEM IN THEIR FOOD BOWLS

spigot: SISSIFYMYTINYCAGEDPRICK.COM WOULD LIKE TO SEND YOU NOTIFICATIONS. spigot: IF I'M SUPPOSED TO STAY AWAKE ANY LATER THAN THIS THESE DAYS I NEED A NEW DEALER pants: YOU MEAN LIKE AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH DEALER OR A ROUND TABLE PIZZA DEALER spigot: I GUESS I MEAN MY LOCAL COMIC BOOK DEALER pants: HE’S SAYING WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pants: WELL MAYBE JUST DON’T VISIT WEBSITES THAT USE COOKIES THEN

pants: MY >>HEART<< IS >>FULL<< deuce: HI BOYS pants: KISS ME YOU FOOL deuce: N

spigot: A SPECIAL HOLIDAY FART VIDEO FOR MY FANS spigot: NO BUT WE'LL KEEP YOUR RESUME ON FILE

spigot: BY THE THUMBINGOF MY PRICK spigot: SOMETHING WICKEDLICKS MY DICK spigot: NOTICE HOW I PLAYEDALL THREE DICKLICKERS spigot: (COCKSUCKERS) pants: A POODOTH POKE spigot: SHUT UP

spigot: YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN HOURS pants: MY OFFICE CAN BE MY CAR!!! spigot: KEEP ALL OF YOUR TIPS*

spigot: (FLATTENING DIRT PILE WITH SHOVEL) WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES AS PARENTS

pants: CHOKE ME RIGHT UP UNTIL I’M ABOUT TO JIZZ THEN PUNCH ME IN THE FACE pants: I’M NOT A COMPLICATED MAN deuce: OSCAR MIKE

spigot: GOING OUTSIDE IS FOR FAGS spigot: WHEN WILL NEWS STORIES ABOUT SCHOOL SHOOTINGS EXAMINE HOW MANY VICTIMS REALLY REALLY DESERVED IT spigot: WHO DARES ME TO DO LINES AND BEAT OFF ALL DAY spigot: THEY'LL BE LINES FROM SHAKESPEARE

spigot: WHERE'S THE SHAMPOO DISPENSSSSSSSSSSSS pants: IT’S STUCK YOU JUST HAVE TO TUG IT pants: HMM MAYBE THE OTHER DIRECTION pants: WAS ANYBODY ON THIS TALKER NOT MOLESTED

spigot: TOILET BOWLS spigot: TOILET BOWLS spigot: HELPING YOU MEET spigot: YOUR TOILET GOALS spigot: TAKE A SHIT spigot: ON THE FLOOR spigot: NO ONE KNOWS spigot: WHAT THE BOWLS ARE FOR

spigot: FAMILY-SIZED SQUIRTS IN MY MID-RANGE SEDAN spigot: :LOUDSPEAKER: PANTS FROM BONEQUEST WEARS LADY CLOTHING pants: FLUSTERED, JUMPING TO TRY AND GRAB THE MEGAPHONE AWAY FROM YOU

pants: SEARCHING MY POCKETS FOR CANDY pants: EMPTY

spigot: HAD TO TAKE A HOODIE OFF WHILE HOLDING A DONUT AND LOST A FEW SPRINKLES

pants: :sailboat:

spigot: EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GROUPSFOR WHEN THE EMOJISDON'T FACE THEDIRECTION YOU WANT

deuce: ALSO CAN EVERYONE PLEASE *NOT* WANG CHUNG TONIGHT BECAUSE IT'S STARTING TO MAKE A BIT OF A MESS

spigot: TRY MAKING FIG NEWTONS WITHOUT FIGS AND ADD PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY spigot: YOU STUPID SHITS spigot: MAYBE SLIGHTLY MORE JELLY THAN PEANUT BUTTER deuce: AND THUS, SPIGOT INVENTED THE JELLY NEWTON deuce: DEUCE INSISTED IT BE CALLED THE JELLY LEIBNIZ, BUT SPIGOT VEHEMENTLY DISAGREED. YEARS OF LAWSUITS ENSUED deuce: BOTH DIED OF OLD AGE BEFORE THE CASE WAS SETTLED

spigot: DONG DONG deuce: (WIPING COUNTERS) I SEEN HIM. HE CAME IN HERE LAST NIGHT WITH SOME DAME effigy: (STACKING CRATES) SHE WAS STEAMED. SHE SAID A FEW TIMES SHE WISHED HE WAS DEAD pants: (CAMERA 2) I CAN'T LET DIARRHEA SLOW ME DOWN

spigot: ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE'S A :POINT_RIGHT:QUEER:POINT_LEFT: PODCAST spigot: FOLLOW-UP: DO YOU DARE ME TO MAKE A SWASTIKA OUT OF HOT DOGS AND SQUIRT MUSTARD ON PEOPLE IN THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT spigot: THERE'S NO RIGHT OR WRONG [[[RUNS AWAY]]] spigot: ALEXA HIDE MY PHONE pants: GUH FAT deuce: EVERYBODY deuce: PRESENT YOUR FANNYPACKS FOR INSPECTION spigot: :NOTES: BIG THICK DICKS / FROM NOON TO SIX :NOTES: spigot: SERIOUSLY WE CLOSE AT 6PM PDT pants: :DUCK: AFLAC

deuce: T PANTS WE SHOULD DO STUFF AND THINGS pants: T DEUCE OH I AGREE, I AGREE deuce: OKAY, PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, I'LL GET THE SHREDDED LETTUCE

pants: ANYWAY: DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY COCK deuce: GROSS pants: I DIDN'T HEAR NO

deuce: I JUST WON A NOBLE PRIZE [SIC] spigot: MY PENIS LOOKS SMALL BECAUSE OF GRAVITATIONAL LENSING spigot: BUT AS YOU CAN SEE I HAVE FOUR

dick: THE DEEP DARK NIGHT OF MY ASS pants: I HATE COLE PORTER deuce: I'M AN ASSET TAG

spigot: I OPENED THE FRIDGE AND A CAN OF SODA ROLLED OUT AND HIT THE FLOOR AND NOW I KNOW HOW MY PENIS FEELS

pants: HAVE YOU GOT AN ERECTION, BOY ????? spigot: CUT pants: BOY HAVE ***YOU*** GOT AN ERECTION !!!! spigot: CUT spigot: THE LINE IS: " HAVE YOU A VALEDICTION, BOY-O " pants: HAS THAT BOY GOT AN ERECTION OR ****WHAT*** ??!?! spigot: CUT pants: BOY-O-BOY DO I LIKE BOYS' ERECTIONS spigot: CUT

pants: I'M STARTING TO THINK THE PISS OLYMPICS ISN'T A REAL THING deuce: IT'S STILL ONLY IN THE PLANNING STAGES pants: WHAT THE HELL AM I TRAINING FOR THEN

deuce: JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU HOMOS spigot: EVIDENTLY NOTHING IF YOU READ AND ABSORB THE SCROLLBACK

spigot: 5 MINS TO 4:20 SO I BETTER FINISH MY WINE spigot: T PANTS WILL YOU JOIN ME ON THE STEPS OF THE FERRY BUILDING FOR A BIG OL' BONGHIT pants: I'M NOT FALLING FOR THE OL' "FERRY BUILDING" TRICK AGAIN pants: SPLOOSH!!! THE COLD UNCARING WATERS OF THE BAY

deuce: FAT FUCK SYNDROME deuce: THAT'S WHAT I GOT

spigot: BLURKLPTH SORRY BLURKLPTH SORRY BLURKLPTH SORRY BLURKLPTH SORRY

deuce: WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN deuce: I MEAN EXCEPT EVERYONE HERE pants: BE HARD WITH ME deuce: N pants: BUT WHY THO deuce: I LOST THE ABILITY TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION pants: AH spigot: WHATEVER'S GOING ON DOWN THERE IS PURELY DECORATIVE

deuce: OKAY OKAY I'M UP I'M UP pants: YOU'RE STILL DREAMING deuce: I DREAMT OF A NEW BONEQUEST HI-FI!!!11 pants: AND YOU WERE REWARDED IN REALITY pants: NOW DREAM ME $10000 FOR COKE AND HOOKERS pants: J/K MORE LIKE $8 FOR COFFEE AND A KOUIGN AMANN deuce: CAN'T YOU USE REAL WORDS pants: :NOTES: I SURE DO LOVE / TO SUCK DICK spigot: SCROLL SCROLL SCROLL LITERALLY PACKED WITH RAISINS PRUNES WALNUTS AND PECANS deuce: THE REQUEST STANDS spigot: D'OUGH deuce: IT'S BRETON FOR "BUTTER CAKE" AND THE _NEW YORK TIMES_ DESCRIBED IT AS "THE FATTEST PASTRY IN ALL OF EUROPE"

pants: I JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY COWBOYS AND WHAT THEY ARE DOING spigot: I'LL HAVE FAG FRIES WITH RAM RANCH pants: ANY SAUCE WITH THAT deuce: HE JUST SAID RAM RANCH YOU IMPERTINENT WAITER pants: SACRE BLEU

spigot: :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2:PRESIDENT:POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: OF THE SAN ANSELMO BEDWETTERS ASSOCIATION deuce: IT'S MORE OF AN HONORARY POSITION, REALLY deuce: WE'RE ALL PRESIDENTS AT THE SABA

spigot: WITH MY ZOOM LENS I CAN SEE SOMEONE HAS THROWN AWAY A PERFECTLY GOOD COPY OF ANNIE AND THE MAGIC DILDO spigot: I HOPE SHE FINDS WHATEVER IT IS SHE'S LOOKING FOR spigot: THE REAL MAGIC WAS IN HER REAR END THE WHOLE TIME

spigot: JUST INTRODUCE ME AS MASTER OF THE MACABRE AND I'LL TAKE IT FROM THERE spigot: CONFETTI BOMB EXPLODES

spigot: 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨⬜🟨⬜🟨⬜⬜⬜⬜🟨 pants: PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH spigot: NOBODY WILL EVER STOP PLAYING pants: WHAT IF IT COSTS $4.99/MO TO PLAY (EXCLUSIVELY THROUGH PATREON)

pants: DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!! deuce: WHERE pants: DUNNO pants: WAS HOPING YOU HAD SOME deuce: FRESH OUT

deuce: WHY ARE THE RUSSIANS AND UKRAINIANS FIGHTING OVER MY DONG deuce: SEE THIS JOKE WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNIER IN 2014

spigot: IMAGINE HOW MANY CANADAS AND MEXICOS WE'D HAVE BY NOW IF PUTIN WAS OUR PRESIDENT pants: ONE EXTREMELY POLITE ENCHILADA POR FAVOR spigot: GROSS pants: ONE JAPALENO MAPLE SYRUP KARTOSHKA IF YOU PLEASE spigot: SPEAK :POINT-RIGHT: ENGLISH :POINT-LEFT:

spigot: WHAT TOILET CAM

spigot: PUTIN'S PEACEKEEPING TANKS spigot: THESE TWO COUNTRIES SHOULD MERGE ANYWAY SO THERE'S A SINGLE SOURCE OF PROSTITUTES (GOOD FOR CONSUMERS) pants: WHY ARE THEIR FACES WEIRD OR OFF UNCANNY VALLEY-STYLE spigot: WE ARE DEAD INSIDE LIKE ROBOT spigot: THEY PRONOUNCE IT ROBUT spigot: WE HAVE MATTRESS AND CAM

spigot: THE ROBOT PROSTITUTE HAS CLAMPED MY DONG AND I NEED MORE QUARTERS pants: IT TAKES APPLE PAY (NOT EVEN LOOKING UP FROM DOODLE JUMP)

pants: T SPIGOT HOW MANY TIMES A DAY ON AVERAGE DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT VERSACE SHIRT FROM _THE COUNSELOR_ (FOR ME IT'S ABOUT EVERY 5-10 SECONDS) deuce: GAY

pants: AN UNKNOWN, UNQUANTIFIABLE AMOUNT OF JACKING OFF deuce: WELL IT'S QUANTIFIABLE BUT IT'S TOO LARGE TO MEASURE PRACTICALLY pants: THEN WE SHOULD SET IT ASIDE FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS WHO MAY HAVE MORE EXACT INSTRUMENTS

effigy: UGH, THE WIND SHIFTED AND NOW ALL I SMELL IS COW POO deuce: I SAID I WAS SORRY effigy: APOLOGIES DO NOT END THE SMELL deuce: I SAID I SAID I WAS SORRY effigy: THAT'S BETTER

spigot: CAN'T SPELL UKRAINE WITHOUT URINE

pants: FOR GOD AND COUNTRY pants: HALGHAULGHALHLUAG pants: FOR THE QUEEN pants: BGLAUHGLAGHLAGHLUAG pants: FOR A JUST AND VERDANT SOCIETY pants: GHUALGHLAHGLUHALUAG

spigot: NO THANKS, I DON'T LIKE TO POO IN MY PANTS. spigot: HURRR SMOOSHED FLAT AND SQUARE INTO THE SIDE OF THE STALL LIKE ONE OF STEVEN SODERBERGH'S VINTAGE LENSES spigot: NINE ERECTIONS REMAINING

pants: MILK MILK spigot: LEMONADE pants: AROUND THE CORNER YOU'LL GET :POINT-RIGHT: :POINT-RIGHT: :POINT-RIGHT: :POINT-RIGHT: LAID :POINT-LEFT::POINT-LEFT::POINT-LEFT: :POINT-LEFT: deuce: GET IN THE SEX TRAFFICKING VAN

hanford: WE NEED TO DISCUSS THE DRESS CODE HERE AT BONEQUEST deuce: MY BONER IS HAPPY TO SEE YOU hanford: WE NEED TO DISCUSS THE DRESS CODE HERE AT BONEQUEST effigy: WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS hanford: WE NEED TO DISCUSS THE DRESS CODE HERE AT BONEQUEST atandt: I WAS MAKING A TOY FOR THE BIRDS hanford: WE NEED TO DISCUSS THE DRESS CODE HERE AT BONEQUEST spigot: LOOKING IN THE FRIDGE FOR PASTRAMI hanford: WE NEED TO DISCUSS THE DRESS COD}}}}}}}}}}}} NO CARRIER pants: WARDIALING FOR DICKS

pants: SO, SO TIRED pants: I'D LIKE A BULLET THROUGH THE CENTER OF MY HEAD PLEASE (I'LL EAT IT HERE) deuce: THAT SEEMS LIKE AN EXTREME REACTION FOR BEING TIRED pants: NO IT'S ABOUT RIGHT pants: +/- ONE EXISTENCE ANNIHILATED deuce: CASUALTIES: 1.0

deuce: MAYBE UKRAINE CAN HOLD THEM OFF INDEFINITELY pants: WORKS FOR ME, WHATEVER'S MORE ENTERTAINING AND DOESN'T PRE-EMPT FOOTBALL pants: NOT MY PRECIOUS XFL OR WHATEVER IT IS pants: THIS YEAR I'M ROOTING FOR THE XML JSONS

spigot: WE SHOULD LAY OUR PENISES SIDE BY SIDE AND CONDUCT AN OSCAR SLUGFEST #OSCARS #STREAMING effigy: ......ARE WE STANDING SHOULDER TO SHOULDER OR FACE TO FACE? pants: CONSIDER SETTING UP SHOP NEAR THE TOILET WITH MUSIC, YOUR LAPTOP, MAGAZINES, OR BOOKS

spigot: DO TRANS PEOPLE JUST NOT CARE THEY'RE FUCKING UP MACHINE LEARNING

spigot: PLEASE BE ADVISED YOU ALL LICK DICK effigy: K spigot: SOOTHING QUEERSCAPES

spigot: WELL THAT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH spigot: :DARK_SUNGLASSES: spigot: GOT PROVOLOWNED

pants: THE JOY OF TYPING NONSENSE AND COMING BACK TO FIND MORE NONSENSE pants: ABSOLUTELY MURDER ME deuce: CONSIDER YOURSELF MURDERED pants: HURRY UP THEN

deuce: REMEMBER THE '70S ????? pants: NOPE effigy: NO spigot: HANG YOURSELF

spigot: WE'VE CONTRIBUTED ENOUGH CONTENT TO SOCIETY AND MADE A REAL DIFFERENCE THAT WE NEVER HAVE TO PAY FOR MOVIES AGAIN pants: WE BOUGHT ENOUGH $18.99 CDS FROM TOWER, WE'RE GOOD

pants: ARE DOMAIN NAMES NFTS pants: WHAT ABOUT TWITTER HANDLES deuce: LEAVE ME ALONE pants: ARE YOU HUNG OVER HONEY deuce: N pants: NEED A HUG deuce: YYY pants: HOW ABOUT A CYBER HUG deuce: YN

deuce: I ATE TORTILLA CHIPS LAST NIGHT SO I SCRAPED THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH, PLEASE SEND HELP

spigot: ATHERTON RESIDENT, MASTURBATOR pants: GOD'S BUTTHOLE effigy: WELL GOOD MORNING ALL deuce: IT'S A MIGHTY FINE DAY FOR US TO FIGHT INFLATION deuce: WITH OUR FISTS

deuce: T BONEQUEST I HAVE BEEN DRINKING deuce: T BONEQUEST HELLO deuce: T BONEQUEST WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME pants: WHAT A FUCKING PRICK

spigot: IF I COULD SAVE TIME IN A BOTTLE I WOULD PUT THAT BOTTLE UP MY REAR END AND DO HOUR-LONG FARTS AT THANKSGIVING

pants: I CAN'T EVEN SUCK DICK STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! deuce: BECAUSE THE DICKS ARE CURVED??/ pants: DUE TO SPACE/TIME effigy: IT'S ALL RELATIVES deuce: GAY DADS effigy: STEP BROTHERS pants: JUST A ONE TIME THING IN A PARKING LOT deuce: IT'S NOT GAY IF THEY'RE NOT BLOOD RELATED deuce: (FINGER TO EAR) THIS JUST IN, IT SURE IS GAY

deuce: I ORDERED FROM FIVE GUYS AND ALL I GOT WERE THESE FIVE GUYS

spigot: YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO TRANS HATERS spigot: ***** PUNCH ***** MEN HAVE DICKS DEAL WITH IT

pants: FINE, I WILL PERSONALLY BEAT MYSELF OFF deuce: NO ONE WILL DO IT FOR YOU pants: WELL YOU'RE HERE deuce: DO I LOOK LIKE I'M A BEATER OFFER pants: AYUH

spigot: WHOEVER SAID I LICK DICK WAS REALLY NOT JOKING BLORK BLOP

pants: I FELL ASLEEP WITH MY DICK IN A HOT POCKET ONLY TO WAKE UP TO A LUKEWARM POCKET deuce: YOU HAVE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT ENTROPY

pants: ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME pants: (FOR JERKING OFF IN THE LADIES ROOM) spigot: MY ADULT BOOKSTORE DOESN'T OPEN UNTIL 11 pants: MINE IS OPEN 24H BUT I'M BANNED pants: (FOR JERKING OFF IN THE LADIES ROOM) spigot: CAN YOU APPEAL YOUR BAN (JERKING OFF AT THE REGISTER) pants: I ASKED TO JERK OFF ONTO THE MANAGER

pants: IF I SUBSTITUTE PISS FOR WATER IN A CAKE RECIPE DOES THAT MAKE IT A PISS CAKE deuce: I THINK YOU'RE BEING VERY CIS HET HERE pants: I'M A CISSY HET TERF WITH A HEART OF BI deuce: SQUINTING deuce: CHECKS OUT :CHECKERED_FLAG:

spigot: DISNEY TO REMOVE COSBY STATUE spigot: WELL THAT'S JUST

effigy: BIMBO WHITE BREAD, FRENCH'S YELLOW MUSTARD, AND TWO **TWO** SLICES OF BALONEY... effigy: I AM A KING

spigot: READING A THREAD WHICH PURPORTS TO "MAKE YOU GAY" spigot: WELL LET ME ASSURE YOU IT IS :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2:NOT:POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: WORKING spigot: OKAY THAT'S A NICE SCONCE

pants: WHEREUPON I EAT THE ENTIRE TIN OF ALTOIDS AND VOMIT FOAM FOR 30 MINUTES

spigot: BREAK FOR FARTS spigot: BREAK FOR FARTS, BREAK BREAK spigot: BREAK FOR FARTS spigot: BREAK BR PLLLLLBBBB spigot: BREAK FOR SHITS

pants: I HAVE ATTACHED A JPEG OF MY ENTIRE BASKET (DICK AND BALLS COMBO). PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THEY WOULD BE A GOOD FIT FOR YOU. deuce: AN EASTER PACKAGE, IF YOU WILL

spigot: NO I DO NOT WANT A JOB IN THE GUANGDONG PROVINCE, WHO IS THIS pants: THE SUICIDE NETS ARE FULL AGAIN

pants: JUST THE SMALLEST DAB OF URINE BEHIND MY EAR deuce: TRULY EAU DE TOILETTE

pants: PLEASE SUCK IT deuce: I WILLN'T

pants: RUB IT deuce: RAISE UNCLEARREFERENTERROR ('AMBIGUOUS TARGET') pants: OK STOP RUBBING IT HURTS

pants: JUST TOOK A HUGE SHIT AND I FEEL BETTER NOW pants: ASK ME ANYTHING spigot: WOULD YOU LIKE MORE PANCAKES pants: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TRICK QUESTION

spigot: CORONAVIRUS HAS MADE US ALL THINK TWICE ABOUT LICKING TOILET SEATS IN AN AIRPORT BATHROOM

spigot: DO I WANT A JERKOFF ROOM IN MY PANIC ROOM OR A PANIC ROOM IN MY JERKOFF ROOM deuce: IT'S PANIC/JERKOFF ROOMS ALL THE WAY DOWN pants: BOTH??? deuce: THEY ALTERNATE, IDIOT

deuce: IF I COULD BE ANY KIND OF SPICE I'D BE CARDIMUM deuce: BECAUSE THEN I'D FINALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP deuce: GET IT BECAUSE "MUM" MEANS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP deuce: TURNS OUT I'LL NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

deuce: I JUST REALIZED HOW THE HAMBURGLAR GOT HIS NAME deuce: HE BURGLES HAMS

spigot: HAVE FUN BEATING OFF WHILE FREE SPEECH IS UNDER ATTACK

pants: KNOCK KNOCK HI I NEED TO RESET YOUR TOILET CAM IT'S ON THE FRITZ JUST LET ME GET BY HERE THANKS

spigot: IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU LICK DICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: :SATELLITE: :SATELLITE_ANTENNA: ACTUALLY I'M RECEIVING REPORTS THAT'S ALL YOU CAN HEAR spigot: THE BACKGROUND RADIATION IS 100% DICKLICKING SOUNDS

pants: ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THE UPCOMING VIBE SWITCH deuce: THE WHAT pants: I'M HOPING FOR A RETURN TO COTTAGECORE OR MAYBE EVEN NEW BALANCE SHOES pants: WE MISSED WHITE BOY SUMMER DIDN'T WE pants: YEAH, WE DID

effigy: [TURNING OFF TV] effigy: ......SHOOTING IRON GOLEMS FROM MY PORCH

pants: T DEUCE WE NEED ANOTHER BIG FLOOD OR SOMETHING pants: NO BEATING OFF IN THE LIBRARY deuce: BUT THERE'S _SOME_ SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM

pants: I AM ALL THE BIG DUMB ENERGY YOU NEED

deuce: LASAGNA IS SO FUCKING GOOD pants: SUCKING THINGS deuce: MMM LASAGNA

pants: EVERYBODY HOLD HANDS AND DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AND WALK INTO THE SEA UNTIL YOU GET TIRED

spigot: SERVING SIZE 1 COOKIE spigot: SADDER THAN BABY SHOES NEVER WORN pants: IS THE BONERPLEX A REAL PLACE OR DID I JUST DREAM IT

deuce: T SPIGOT DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER SEE A TWINS III: THE NEW HATCH

spigot: MY DONG IS VISIBLE FROM SPACE spigot: THE SPACE RIGHT THERE ON YOUR FACE spigot: WELL THEN PUT ON YOUR PRESCRIPTION READING GLASSES spigot: MINE ARE FROM A GAS STATION

spigot: WHERE'S THE SUPERCUT OF RALPH KRAMDEN ACTUALLY HITTING HIS WIFE pants: HE LOVED HER SO MUCH BUT NOW SHE'S ON THE MOON (SOBBING)

spigot: BLOP SPLOP LITERALLY NO SUPPLY CHAIN DISRUPTION HERE BAGURK BAGOLP

pants: WHERE _N_ IS THE NUMBER OF HARD PLASTIC DICKS IN MY MOUTH

spigot: WHO KNEW DUTCH CRUNCH WOULD LEAVE SO MANY CRUMBS IN THE BED

deuce: OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN / HALLOWED BE THY NAME / AND PLEASE GET YOUR FINGER / OUT OF MY BUTT

spigot: HOW'S MY BEIGE WINDBREAKER spigot: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M HUSTLING STARS AT A BUS STATION spigot: I'M ZIPPING IT UP TO HERE AND THAT'S FINAL effigy: SIR, THIS JACKET IS FOR `MEMBERS ONLY` spigot: IF I PUSH ALL 4 ROOKS UP MY REAR END I'LL BE CHESS KING

spigot: :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2: HARD :POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: MODE :EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER::EGGPLANT: :STRAIGHT_RULER: spigot: SOMEDAY I MIGHT EVEN UNPAUSE THE BATMAN FROM WHERE IT LAY PARKED MID NIRVANA SONG spigot: OUR FINEST PISSCOATS THIS EASTER

pants: WHY IS EVERYTHING SO deuce: DOWN IN FRONT

spigot: WHAT MISSING JUVENILES spigot: I MEAN COME IN !! spigot: I MEAN DON'T COME IN, SORRY

spigot: NNNNNGGG I'VE BEEN HACK A DOODLE DOO'D pants: YOUR DUMB GAY FRIENDS ARE HERE FOR YOU pants: WE CAN SEND $$ VIA ITUNES GIFT CARDS pants: DO YOU NEED MY SOCIAL SECURITY # deuce: SHOULD I SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD TO HELP YOU RECOVER YOUR ACCOUNT pants: I THINK WE HAVE TO ASSUME THAT WE ARE DEALING WITH A RUSSIAN AGENT RATHER THAN OUR FRIEND SPIGOT (THE BEAR) deuce: YOU'RE RIGHT (SENDING HIM DICK PIX) pants: :FOOT: :DROOLING_FACE:

pants: COVID TEST NEGATIVE pants: WE CAN SAFELY RESUME SPITTING IN EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS deuce: DID YOU TAKE IT CORRECTLY (RECTALLY) pants: I DON'T SEE WHY IT HAS TO STAY UP THERE SO LONG deuce: AND ALSO IT HAS TO BE REPEATEDLY INSERTED IN AND PULLED OUT pants: ONLY AFTER THE 4TH HOUR

spigot: TODAY LET'S BE GRATEFUL WE DON'T HAVE TO SUCK DICK IN A MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS pants: "HAVE TO" pants: FULL-GROWN ADULTS CELEBRATING STAR WARS DAY spigot: WE CALL HIM DOCTOR MORBIUS ON THIS PODCAST

spigot: MORE LIKE BLOW V. LAID

spigot: HORDES OF YOUNG PEOPLE BUZZING AROUND THE FESTIVAL, FILLING OUT MORTGAGE LOANS, PREPARING THEIR TAXES spigot: TRANSPARENT PINK SUNGLASSES WITH PEARLS, MASSIVE BEJEWELED NECKLACES AND CAPS, LIME GREEN BELL-BOTTOMS AND SENSIBLE ORTHOPEDIC LOAFERS FROM ROSS DRESS FOR LESS spigot: PULLING THE VIBE OUT OF MY MOUTH AND """SHIFTING""" IT TO MY REAR END

pants: THERE IS NO RED PILL YOU'RE JUST A HUGE HUGE ASSHOLE

deuce: THIS MEXICAN COOKING YOUTUBE LADY SURE USES A LOT OF SALT pants: HOW'S SHE DOIN' deuce: SHE DYED HER HAIR BLACK FOR SOME REASON BUT LET THE GREY GROW BACK IN AGAIN deuce: I SOMETIMES WORRY SHE'S GOING TO CUT HERSELF BUT SHE NEVER DOES deuce: I MEAN I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT pants: (DEEP VOICE) ORAL-B

pants: I SURE DO LOVE TO SOAP UP MY GENITALS deuce: WHO DOESN'T deuce: (LIKE SOAPING UP YOUR GENITALS)

pants: I'M A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY pants: JACK ME OFF deuce: UNSUBSCRIBE

pants: EVERY TIME I SEE THE PHRASE “DOW TUMBLES” I THINK “UPSKIRT”

deuce: SEX pants: YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!! pants: AND NOW YOU DON'T (I SPOTTED A MOTH)

spigot: NOTHING IS SO 'URGENT' I NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT spigot: CAN COPS GET DNA FROM POO ON A VICTIM'S FACE

spigot: COCKSUCKING IN THE *** METAVERSE *** pants: DO I HAVE TO CHANGE OUT OF MY SWEATS FOR THIS spigot: UNDER-RATED :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2:SHITPOST:POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: ALERT pants: THIS IS WHAT THE DEVIL DOES :ROOSTER: spigot: THINKING DARK MATTER IS JUST COMMON HOUSEHOLD DOGSHIT pants: CAPITAL FARTS, MADAM

spigot: TWO TRUTHS AND A DICK IN YOUR MOUTH spigot: FREE TROOFS

spigot: PUTTING POO IN THE TUPPERWARE deuce: THAT'S WHAT I USE TO FREEZE MY SQUIGGLIES

deuce: OUR PEOPLE WILL RISE UP AGAINST THE INVADERS AND OFFER THEM CUPCAKES effigy: MMMMM deuce: ALL WARS END WITH THE EXCHANGE OF CUPCAKES (IT'S PART OF THE IDEA OF WESTPHALIAN SOVEREIGNTY) effigy: MMMM SOVEREIGNTY

spigot: LEAVING AT 2PM TODAY!!! spigot: AVAILABLE ALL THE USUAL WAYS spigot: STALL 1, STALL 2, STALL 3 spigot: PING IF NEEDED spigot: (OR JUST TAP)

pants: WHERE'S WALLACE AT pants: WHERE'S THE BOY, STRING pants: WHERE'S WALLACE AT pants: WHERE THE FUCK IS WALLACE pants: WHERE'S WALLACE, STRING pants: STRING pants: WHERE THE FUCK IS WALLACE pants: AND WHERE'S GROMIT

spigot: HAS AMERICA LEARNED :POINT-RIGHT: :POINT-RIGHT: ANYTHING :POINT-LEFT: :POINT-LEFT: ABOUT FORCING KIDS TO GO TO SCHOOL ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? spigot: WHY CAN'T THERE BE MORE SHOOTINGS AT WHOLE FOODS spigot: I HATE THAT PLACE

spigot: "DON'T LOAD UP ON BREAD" :POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: NICE """ADVICE"""" spigot: MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO LOAD UP ON CORPORATE CONSUMER CONSUMPTION CULTURE pants: BUT IT'S DELICIOUS

spigot: DOES GOING TO THE BATHROOM COUNT AS EXERCISE

pants: AND NOW I MUST TURN MY BACK ON YOU deuce: BROWN pants: TALKING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE

spigot: MY LORD THY PANTS ARE TRULY POO WORTHY spigot: I WILL JOIN THEE IN FACT: PLLLPPPP spigot: EVERYONE: PLLPLPPLP

effigy: I 💚 ICEBERG LETTUCE. IT IS THE BEST LETTUCE deuce: TOTES AGREE deuce: MANY OTHER LETTUCES ARE TOLERABLE BUT THAT IS THE BEST deuce: THEN AGAIN WE'RE IN CALIFORNIA effigy: EVERYTHING ELSE IS JUST BITTER LEAVES effigy: ICEBERG BRINGS SOME MOISTURE effigy: TO THE PARTY

deuce: YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN A PERSISTENT RECRUITER??? A PERSISTENT RECRUITER WHO THINKS HE'S A COMEDIAN

spigot: THIS SUPERIOR COURT OF LOS ANGELES IN THE ABOVE ENTITLED ACTION DOES HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO RAY DONOVAN: THE MOVIE

pants: I PROMISE THAT IF YOU COOK ME I WILL PLUMP

spigot: SAAADAAS: SPOOKY ACTION AT A DISTANCE AS A SERVICE

deuce: NOTHING A HIGH-YIELD THERMONUCLEAR EXPLOSION CAN'T CURE pants: BACK TO BEING A DESERT spigot: ARE YOU SAYING I CAN ORDER 2 LARGE DEEP DISH PIZZAS

deuce: AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE WHERE PANTS IS BLIND AND I'M DEAF AND WE LIVE TOGETHER AND JUST JERK EACH OTHER OFF BECAUSE WHY NOT pants: AS A TRANS PERSON OF COLOR,

spigot: FEYNMAN'S REVERSE SPRINKLER IS JUST TWO FAGS BLOWING EACH OTHER UNDERWATER deuce: I GET THAT REFERENCE!!!!!!

spigot: OW OW OKAY ONE WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S deuce: I SURE KNOW WHAT YOU'D DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR

spigot: STARE AT THE DOT IN THE CENTER OF THIS OPTICAL ILLUSION FOR 45 MINUTES AND EVENTUALLY THERE'S A 15 SECOND AD

pants: IT'S THE YEAR OF THE LINUX DESKTOP AGAIN!!!!!! pants: MAYBE THIS ONE: [LINK TO A DICK PIC, POSSIBLY MY OWN, WHO CAN SAY] deuce: (SQUINTING) THAT'S A BLACK DICK pants: WHO CAN SAY deuce: INVESTIGATION RESULTS: INCONCLUSIVE deuce: I TYPE THINGS AND THEN YOU TYPE THINGS AND THEN THE PATTERN REPEATS pants: FOREVER MORE

deuce: BREAKING: MANGO TASTES LIKE SHIT

spigot: ANY SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IS INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM COCKSUCKING

deuce: I FEEL LIKE SHIT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN pants: ARE YOU GETTING ENOUGH ALCOHOL AND BOOZE deuce: JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT

deuce: I WISH EVERYONE WHO WASN'T LIKE ME WOULD JUST LEARN THEIR PLACE AND STOP TALKING

deuce: :NOTES: I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY / POUND ME RIGHT IN MY TWO CHEEKS spigot: TWO M WORDS (ME, MY) HARDER TO SING, SUGGEST POUND ME RIGHT BETWEEN THE CHEEKS deuce: YOU JUST DON'T WANT IT ENOUGH

pants: SPEEDRUNNING BETWEEN ALL THE COCKS

spigot: SAYS HERE YOU WORKED AT RATEMYPOO FROM 2000-2019, TELL ME ABOUT THOSE TWO DECADES NOPE HE'S GONE, NEXT

spigot: TIRED OF DUMB LAZY MOMS GETTING THE WRONG LACROIX spigot: KEY LIME, NOT LIME. LIMONCELLO, NOT LEMON. NOT HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: THERE'S A FLAVOR CALLED PEACH PEAR WHICH I'M NOT LETTING INTO MY HOME spigot: :PEACH: :PEAR: I SAY PICK A BODY TYPE AND STICK WITH IT!!! pants: QUICK WHICH IS MORE DISGUSTING: COCONUT OR BEACH PLUM spigot: BEACH PLUM IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE BEST pants: REALLY deuce: GET OUT pants: IS THERE A BUTTMAN FLAVOR spigot: COLA LACROIX ACTUALLY TASTES LIKE A RUM AND COLA, AS I IGNORE THAT COMMENT spigot: YOU WANT KEY LIME CAUSE IT HAS A MARSHMALLOW KICK LIKE A KEY LIME PIE spigot: THEY KNOW HOW TO USE THEIR CHEMICALS THEY JUST NAME FLAVORS WRONG

spigot: IF YOU SEE A PENIS IN ACT ONE spigot: THERE BETTER BE A PENIS IN ACTS 2 AND 3 spigot: AND I WANT EXTRA PENISES AFTER THE CREDITS spigot: ACTUALLY WHY ARE WE BOTHERING WITH THE WHOLE PRODUCTION

pants: I AM WATCHING THE BIRTH OF THE UNIVERSE, THE DEATH OF OUR SUN AND SPORTS pants: I SEE EVENTS SO TINY AND SO QUICK THAT THEY CAN SCARCELY BE DESCRIBED AS HAVING EXISTED AND ALSO SPORTS pants: MAKING MY OWN LIFE IN A DISTANT GALAXY SO I MAY OBSERVE MICROBES EVOLVE INTO HIGHER LIFE FORMS TO HAVE 11 PLAYERS ON THE FIELD AT ONCE pants: WATCHING THE POCKET COLLAPSE AS THE QUARTERBACK IS SACKED pants: POUNDED INTO THE GROUND deuce: YOU ARE DOING FINE SIR

spigot: AM I A TOP spigot: SORRY WRONG WIN spigot: THEN TAKE ME FOR A SPIN!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: WRONG WIN

pants: T DEUCE I'M FULL OF LUNCH deuce: I AM BEREFT OF BALLS deuce: WITH A DISTINCT DEARTH OF DICK

spigot: SHITTING THROUGH MY AERON CHAIR

pants: 900 DICKS deuce: LET'S CALL IT AN EVEN 1000 TO ACCOUNT FOR SPILLAGE

spigot: LARPING AS A RAPIST spigot: IF ABRAHAM LINCOLN WERE ALIVE TODAY HE COULD MAKE A LOG CABIN OUT OF TWIX spigot: AND KEEP VICODINS IN HIS HAT

effigy: CAN WE NOW FORM A LEGITIMATE CLUB pants: THE FANNYPACKERS pants: THE FUDGE-ENJOYERS pants: THE FOGGY DAY-O-PHILES pants: THE CAT PETTERS pants: THE LOLLYGAGGERS pants: THE GOLDBRICKERS pants: WE WHO SALUTE THE FLAG BUT DON'T STAND pants: DOING A SHITTY JOB AND GOING HOME EARLY pants: MAKING ARRANGEMENTS FOR MOTHER pants: WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

deuce: T PANTS HAVE YOU DECIDED WHETHER YOU'RE GOING TO APPLY FOR STARFLEET ACADEMY pants: DO YOU THINK I'M STARFLEET MATERIAL deuce: JUST REMEMBER THERE'S A LOT OF DILDOES YOU'LL HAVE TO POLISH BEFORE YOU MAKE LIEUTENANT

deuce: I'M YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE deuce: HOWEVER I'M REALLY SHIT AT IT deuce: I JUST TELL YOU TO SET FIRES AND PUNCH COPS

effigy: I LOVE PENIS effigy: ALSO, CAPS LOCK IS ON.

pants: FIGHT THE POWER (BLOWJOB NOISES) pants: SEAL MY ASSHOLE WITH TAR, MUCK pants: FATHER I CRAVE POO

spigot: HOW / ARE YA FIXED / FOR :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2: FARTS :POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: spigot: THE WITNESS MAY ANSWER

pants: PUNCH THINGS pants: NO, WAIT: pants: SUCK THINGS

deuce: I HAD THE 6 AM SHITSQUIRTS pants: NOTHING LIKE SITTING ON THE TOILET, HALF-AWAKE

deuce: OKAY THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS JUST KICKED ME OUT

pants: THE WEB IS A HORRIBLE INHOSPITABLE PLACE deuce: IT IS pants: WHY DIDN'T WE STOP AT GOPHER

pants: QQ: WHO PUT `ROYAL BEATOFF SESSION` ON MY CALENDAR AND ALSO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN deuce: I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED A BREAK pants: THAT IS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU

pants: `KING ROYAL BEATOFF SESSION` pants: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN

spigot: WHY ARE FORKS SO HEAVY OH RIGHT I'M OLD spigot: WHO PRINTS THIS SHIT SO SMALL OH RIGHT I'M DYING spigot: SOMEONE SHOULD MAKE THE FLOOR NOT ON MY FACE ALL THE TIME OKAY I GET IT

spigot: WILL YOU LICK MY DICK spigot: WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THERE WERE NO HIDDEN FEES

spigot: FROM NOW ON IF YOU PUT SPIGOT IN A STRIP AND IT GETS SHIT NUMBERS I'M EMPTYING THE CATBOX ON YOUR KEYBOARD spigot: MAYBE YOU IDIOTS NEED A 3-DAY TEAM OFFSITE TO REVIEW STYLE AND BRANDING GUIDELINES AND I'LL ASSIGN SOME STRETCH GOALS spigot: OKAY YOU'RE LITERALLY CARDBOARD CUTOUTS

deuce: SHUT YOUR WORD FACE pants: THE WORDS, THEY TUMBLE OUT deuce: YOUR FACE CONTAINING WORDS pants: LIKE POO FROM A CUNT pants: THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES

deuce: I'M XML; PLEASE DEPRECATE ME pants: (CHANTING) XML / XML / XML

spigot: ALL I SAID WAS YOUR STUPID CASSEROLE LOOKS LIKE A SCHOOL SHOOTING

pants: PANTS AND SPIGOT AND DEUCE RUNNING IN AND OUT OF WALGREENS AFTER FILLING GARBAGE BAGS WITH APLETS AND COTLETS AS SECURITY LOOKS ON deuce: I DON'T KNOW WHAT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS ARE pants: (STAGE WHISPER) YOU'RE DOING GREAT HONEY

pants: CAN I CRASH ON YOUR BALLS FOR THE NIGHT deuce: SURE BUT I WARN YOU THEY ARE SPIKEY AND STABBY AND EMIT WEIRD SOUNDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (YOU'LL HEAR LOW-FREQUENCY, METALLIC GROWLS, JUST IGNORE IT)

spigot: IF ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME TO STROKE IT THIS CALL IS OVER

deuce: MUGGY pants: YEAH, WARM HERE pants: DO YOU NEED A JPEG OR JPEGS OF ME BEATING OFF pants: CAN'T REMEMBER IF I ASKED YOU BEFORE deuce: [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

pants: I AM A SIMPLE MAN deuce: WELL WE BOTH ARE pants: I SEE A COCK I PUNCH IT (AND THEN FEEL BAD LATER FOR PUNCHING THE COCK) pants: YOU KNOW WHAT pants: WE'VE LIVED RICH, FULL LIVES pants: IT'S TIME TO LIE DOWN IN THE DIRT deuce: YAY

deuce: T PANTS I HAD A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE DREAM!!! pants: T DEUCE DID YOU EAT MY BRAINS deuce: IT WAS MY DREAM SO I WASN'T WASN'T ONE OF THE ZOMBIES YOU IDIOT deuce: BUT YES I ATE YOUR BRAINS JUST TO BE SAFE

deuce: I ORDERED NEW NOTEBOOKS!!! I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD RUN OUT!!!!! pants: MOLESKIN OR FIELD BOOK????? CHOOSE YOUR ANSWER CAREFULLY WISE TRAVELLER SAID THE DUNGEON MASTER WHO WAS ALSO A VAMPYRE deuce: AHEM COMPOSITION/ENGINEERING deuce: GOTTA BE 5X5 (4X4 IS FOR FAGS) deuce: THOUGH I'M GOING BLIND SO I PROBABLY REALLY SHOULD USE 4X4 pants: UH WE HAVE A WHOLE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE FOR THIS SORT OF THING

spigot: THE LAND O' LAKES JUVENILE DETENTION FACILITY deuce: THE RECENTLY RECOMMISSIONED DILDO POLISHING ACADEMY effigy: THE BALONEY SHINERS' UNION 12957?

spigot: DO YOU DARE ME TO SHIT ON THE FLOOR OF SHOE PAVILION deuce: WILL THEY BE SHOE-SIZED OR SHOE-SHAPED spigot: NEVERMIND THEY WENT BANKRUPT IN 2008 AND LIQUIDATED ALL THEIR RETAIL ASSETS AT AUCTION spigot: SOMEONE SHOULD LET ME OUT THEN

pants: WE ALSO HAVE REMOVED THE SOUND OF CHILDREN SCREAMING AS THE GUNMAN ENTERS THE CLASSROOM. WE CONSIDER THIS TOO GRAPHIC. deuce: WELL HOW AM I GOING TO BEAT OFF THEN

pants: NORMALLY I WOULDN'T GO OUT INTO THE WOODS AND SHOVE MY HAND INTO HOLES I FIND BUT

spigot: RAINDROPS KEEP LICKIN' / ON MY DICK :NOTES:

spigot: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: GOT A BIG ERECTION IN MY FACE / TODAY :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: deuce: IS THAT AFRICA BY TOTO spigot: IF IT WERE YOU'D BE SINGING ALONG spigot: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: GOT A PENIS / POKIN' AT ME AND IT JUST WON'T GO / AWAY :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: deuce: YOU'D BE SUCKING ALONG

effigy: YOU ARE NOT T-SHAPED PEOPLE AT ALL! effigy: YOU ARE JUST KNEELING DOWN SUCKING OFF THE REST IF THE I-SHAPED PEOPLE!! effigy: AS THE SCRUM MASTER I DECLARE THIS STANDUP OVER!

pants: HOW WAS CHURCH, HONEY spigot: EVERYBODY POST YOUR SMALL PENIS REACTIONS

pants: GETTING ALL THE FARTS OUT NOW BEFORE MY NEXT ZOOM MEETING

spigot: I STILL FIT INTO THE DIAPERS I WORE IN HIGH SCHOOL

spigot: PLAY THE SNL CLOSING THEME AS EVERYONE BEATS OFF AT EACH OTHER

spigot: LAST CHANCE TO LOOK AT ME HECTOR deuce: YOU DON'T SLAP 'EM YOU GRAB 'EM IDIOT pants: BOXCUTTER

deuce: I LIKE COUGHING, APPARENTLY pants: IT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE pants: AND HOW OTHERS AROUND YOU KNOW pants: TOILET PISS

pants: I HAVE BOOBS UNDER THIS SWEATER pants: SHAKE THEM VIOLENTLY pants: LEAVE NO WITNESSES

spigot: THE ANCIENT WISDOM OF THE ELDERS spigot: HURR MY NIGHT-TIME MOUTH GUARD SO I DON'T GRIND MY TEETH spigot: JUST PUT A PENIS IN THERE LADY

pants: RUGGED, SEXY MARLBORO MEN SUCH AS MYSELF pants: STICKS LOWER LIP OUT pants: I WILL ROLL IN THEM SO I SMELL LIKE THEM (DOG LOGIC) pants: WHAT I MISS THE MOST ARE STONERS WHO USED TO HANG OUT BY THE 7-11 pants: LIVESTREAM YOURSELF EATING SNAILS pants: I'M TOTALLY GAY FOR SLEEPING IN MY BED pants: JERKMATE: IT'S FUN EXCITING AND TOTALLY CONFIDENTAL pants: WHAT ABOUT OUR D&D PODCAST ??????????????

deuce: I LIKE POO PEOPLE deuce: THAT'S POO, PEOPLE NOT PEOPLE MADE OF POO

deuce: STILL NEED TO KNOW WHO SHAVED AJA pants: FIND OUT WHO HAD THE MOST TO GAIN pants: THAT WILL TELL YOU WHO SHAVED HER

deuce: I'M YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE deuce: HOWEVER I'M REALLY SHIT AT IT deuce: I JUST TELL YOU TO SET FIRES AND PUNCH COPS

pants: GAY pants: GAY pants: GAY pants: (THAT'S 3X GAY SO DON'T EVEN THINK OF MESSING WITH ME)

pants: YOU ARE ALL MY CHILDREN NOW deuce: CAN I LEGALLY DIVORCE YOU, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE MY PARENT deuce: IS THAT A THING BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S A THING AND I WOULD LIKE IT TO OCCUR pants: GOT YOUR NOSE deuce: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY NOSE WAIT SHITHEAD THAT'S NOT EVEN MY NOSE THAT'S CLEARLY YOUR THUMB deuce: FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU deuce: FOOL ME TWICE, IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY MURDERED YOU FOR FOOLING ME ONCE pants: AHHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S MY THUMB AHHHH

pants: WATCH ME SUCK IT pants: AHEM YOU'RE NOT WATCHING deuce: I'M BUSY DOING MY HAIR pants: BUT THAT CAN TAKE HOURS deuce: SQUIRRRP

spigot: ONE QUESTION I HAVE IS IF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME IMPACTS COCKSUCKING IN THE DATA CENTER

deuce: BETTER WATCH WHAT YOU CLICK ON IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN WORLD WAR II HISTORY

spigot: I STAND FOR THE FLAG AND KNEEL FOR THE DICKS

deuce: MY JOB TITLE IS LEAD AGILE COACH WHICH MEANS I DON'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING BUT TALK ABOUT DOING THINGS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO DO THINGS

pants: WITH VANGELIS DEAD WHO WILL MAKE THE SOUNDTRACK FOR EITHER OF THE COMPETING BONEQUEST DOCUMENTARIES???????????? deuce: THERE ARE THREE pants: I ONLY KNOW OF _A LIFETIME OF HLUGAHLUGAULAG_ AND _WHATEVER HAPPENED TO RANDS?_ deuce: THERE'S ALSO _SLURPING AND DROOLING AND HURRRR: THE TRUE STORY OF BONEQUEST_ pants: ONE OF THOSE IS A CHEAP KNOCKOFF BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH ONE

spigot: I'VE MAINTAINED MY POSITION ON LOCKS/DEADBOLTS FOR OVER 20 YEARS: JEERS

pants: 24 YEARS OF DUMB NONSENSE pants: 24 YEARS OF UNTALENTED DROPOUTS pants: 24 YEARS OF BI-CURIOUS IDIOTS pants: 24 YEARS AND WE STILL HAVEN'T FIXED OUR MAKEFILES pants: 24 YEARS AND FIVE U.S. PRESIDENTS LATER pants: 24 YEARS OF ANNUAL REPORTS AND SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS bung: KILL YOURSELF ozone: ENOUGH ALREADY pants: 24 YEARS OF COCKSUCKING ON THE MOON _AND_ IN THE DATA CENTER pants: 24 YEARS OF UNMARKETABLE GEN-X FLOTSAM dick: JUST STOP hanford: I QUIT pants: 24 YEARS AND STILL NOT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER pants: 24 YEARS WITH NO END IN SIGHT pants: LA LA LA GAY THOUGHTS pants: 24 YEARS WITH NOTHING TO SHOW BUT FATNESS pants: 24 YEARS OF STUPID BULLSHIT atandt: NO MORE effigy: NUGGGGH pants: 24 YEARS TOO LONG spigot: FUCK YOU deuce: SHUT UP pants: 24 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP 💚💙💜🧡

spigot: MAVERICK AND GOOSE ARE CUTTING THEIR DICKS OFF AND HIGH-FIVING

deuce: UPON CAREFUL REFLECTION, REALLY I HAVE TO SAY THE LAST PERSON I'D WANT TO MARRY IS A LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER deuce: I MEAN I DON'T EVEN LIKE THE SEA

spigot: YOU'VE HEARD OF HOT CROSS BUNS WELL spigot: HOW ABOUT HOT CROSS :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2: WANGS :POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: spigot: :BOOM: `BZZT` OW MY GOD

deuce: FUCK PEAS pants: COME WITH ME pants: AND I'LL SHOW YOU A WORLD OF DELICIOUS ENGLISH PEAS FRESH FROM THE GARDEN deuce: FUCK THEM pants: WE WERE BROUGHT UP ON FROZEN PEAS FROM SAFEWAY WHICH ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING deuce: THAT IS TRUE BUT THEY CAN STILL GO FUCK THEMSELVES

spigot: I NEED PENIS REDUCTION SURGERY!!! IT'S CAUGHT IN THE CAR DOOR AND FLAPPING AROUND ON THE FREEWAY

pants: WATCH ME BEAT OFF deuce: MY SCHEDULE'S ALL FULL TODAY, SORRY

pants: SUCK AND FUCK CLUB: NEXT RIGHT deuce: JOIN THE MULTIVARIATE DIFFERENTIAL AND INTEGRAL CALCULUS CLUB pants: YOU FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL: LOVE deuce: THAT LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST

spigot: THALES :SWEAT_DROPS: THERVITH :SWEAT_DROPS: THUPPORT :SWEAT_DROPS: spigot: MORE LIKE SERVICE MERCHANDYKES spigot: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF MORBIUS pants: FREE R. KELLY

pants: I'M A TRAP deuce: USING YOU TO CAPTURE RODENTS, SNAKES pants: I AM NOT REALLY THAT EFFECTIVE

pants: T DEUCE THERE'S A RESCUE CD-ROM CALLED “PARTITION MAGIC” AND CHRISPBS REFERS TO IT IN SHORTHAND AS “PMAGIC” WHICH I CHOOSE TO UNFURL IN MY BRAIN AS “PUSSY MAGIC” deuce: NICE

pants: BIG ONES pants: BIG STUPID ONES pants: PUNCH THEM

deuce: LATEST COVID TEST: STILL POSITIVE spigot: PROBABLY GOT IT FROM A BEE pants: OR A DOORKNOB

spigot: CLASPING MY HANDS TOGETHER AND ASSIGNING YOU ALL STRETCH GOALS TO GET YOU OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONES spigot: HELLO I'M A NINE YEAR OLD WITH A TRUE CRIME PODCAST READING AN AD FOR DEBT CONSOLIDATION SERVICES spigot: GOODBYE STUPID :TOILET: THE LOUDEST FLUSH IN THE WORLD

deuce: I WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY BRIDGE pants: I ASSUME IT'S LIKE COSMIC ENCOUNTER FOR OLD PEOPLE

deuce: I'M A MONARCH BUTTERFLY deuce: FUCK MY BROWN ASS deuce: WAIT DO BUTTERFLIES HAVE BUTTHOLES??? PROBABLY deuce: DO GIRL BUTTERFLIES HAVE BUTTHOLES??? DOUBTFUL deuce: MY UNDERWEAR IS SCRATCH AND SNIFF

spigot: WHICH IS WORSE: A SYMPOSIUM OR A WEBINAR

spigot: IS POOING YOUR PANTS ACTUALLY ILLEGAL OR JUST FROWNED UPON deuce: T SPIGOT IT'S AN INFRACTION THAT WILL GO ON YOUR PERMANENT RECORD, NOT A CRIME spigot: THEN I'M PUTTING THEM BACK ON THE RACK

deuce: GUYS deuce: GUYS deuce: I JUST BOUGHT FISH STICKS deuce: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS deuce: CORRECT ANSWER: A THIRD WORLD WAR

spigot: BEFORE I LICK YOUR DICK I JUST NEED TO GO AHEAD AND READ YOU YOUR RIGHTS deuce: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT deuce: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE YOUR DICK LICKED AND NO MORE RIGHTS spigot: IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A PENIS ONE WILL BE PROVIDED TO YOU effigy: FREE OF CHARGE

spigot: A BOOK CLUB BUT WE SHOOT THE BOOKS deuce: DO WE HAVE TO BUY OUR OWN AMMUNITION pants: OR OUR OWN BOOKS

pants: OW I BIT MY TONGUE deuce: I DO THAT FREQUENTLY AND BOY DO I HATE IT pants: MY MOUTH IS SO EXCITED ABOUT THE FOOD THAT IT GOES CRAZY CHOMPING EVERYTHING

spigot: MY PENIS FELL ASLEEP TODAY SO IT'LL BE UP ALL NIGHT

deuce: T PANTS DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY deuce: I MEAN I KNOW I'M PRETTY, I JUST WANT YOU TO SAY IT deuce: ALSO I AM CLEARLY NOT PRETTY deuce: AHEM deuce: TAPS FOOT deuce: SQUINTS deuce: WHISTLES TUNELESSLY pants: IN A CERTAIN LIGHT deuce: CORRECT ANSWER deuce: YOU ARE NOW A `LEVEL 4 CUDDLE ELF` pants: QUEST COMPLETE

deuce: T PANTS I JUST SHAVED!! pants: T DEUCE IF YOU DIDN'T STREAM IT ON TWITCH IT DIDN'T HAPPEN deuce: IT WAS ON ONLYFANS

effigy: BTW, MY PENIS IS SCALENE deuce: MY PENIS IS ISOSCELES BUT VERY NARROW deuce: JUST LIKE WOMEN FROM FLATLAND deuce: WAIT WHAT

spigot: I MADE A SQUIRTY DIARRHEA SOUND IN THE TOILET BOWL THAT SOUNDED EXACTLY LIKE THE MONTY PYTHON ONE AND I ALSO DID ONE IN THE BED pants: SCOOT OVER

spigot: I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE: I LICK DICK

spigot: ARE WE OLD ENOUGH TO CONCEAL-CARRY GRABBERS spigot: IF YOU BUY A TALL DRAFTING STOOL, GET A GRABBER SO YOU DON'T THROW YOUR BACK OUT GETTING ON AND OFF THE 25-CENT SAFEWAY WIGGLE HORSE spigot: THE EXTRA HEIGHT MEANS THINGS ACCUMULATE MORE GRAVITY (GRAVITY PARTICLES) AND WHACK THE GROUND LOUDER

pants: T DEUCE WE NEED FLIGHTS TO BUENOS AIRES TONIGHT, BRING YOUR HANDGUN AND YOUR CAT (IN A CRATE) pants: T DEUCE BUENOS AIRES TRIP CANCELED, EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW (JUST NEED YOU TO HELP ME DIG A HOLE) deuce: I WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK WHILE DIGGING AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO DIG TWO HOLES deuce: SO REALLY YOU'RE BEST LEAVING ME OUT OF IT (ONE FEWER HOLE TO DIG) deuce: I WILL NOT COMPLETE EVEN ONE HOLE deuce: THIS IS THE SEVEN STAGES OF GRIEF AND I'M STILL ON `NEGOTIATION`

spigot: DO WE AT LEAST GET TO RIDE THE QUEEN'S COFFIN DOWN THE LOG RIDE AT GREAT AMERICA

pants: WATCH ME SUCK THIS DICK deuce: THAT'S A RUBIK'S CUBE

spigot: I REMEMBER WHEN :TRANSGENDER_FLAG: SYMBOLIZED A PERFECT SWIRL OF AQUAFRESH ON MY TOOTHBRUSH pants: PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO ABUSE THE SYSTEM MAKE ME SICK deuce: WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SET UP A STRUGGLE SESSION FOR THIS pants: MAYBE WRAP ME IN A RUG UNTIL I CALM DOWN deuce: YOU'LL FREAK OUT AT FIRST SINCE YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR ARMS BUT EVENTUALLY YOU'LL CALM DOWN pants: ANYTHING TO KEEP ME FROM FLAPPING INTO THE BARE LIGHTBULB

deuce: ONLY GOOD THING I'VE EVER HEARD ABOUT UTAH: PASTRAMI CHEESEBURGERS

spigot: IF :POINT-RIGHT: I :POINT-LEFT: WERE A VILLAIN spigot: I'D GO TO THE ROOFTOP BAT SIGNAL WITH A BIG OL' SHARPIE AND MAKE A SPEECH BALLOON SAYING I'M GAY spigot: WHAT??????? A GAY BATMAN TALKING OUT LOUD WITH SPECIAL WORDS THAT DRAW THEMSELVES ON CLOUDS????? THIS LITERALLY DOES NOT ADD UP spigot: THEN I'D BEAT OFF ON THE CITIZENS OF GOTHAM spigot: NOW WHO'S GAY??? I WOULD CACKLE THROUGH THE NIGHT HASHTAG THECACKLER HASHTAG U GOT CACKLED

spigot: WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF SUCCESS FOR A CINNAMON ROLL? `UM NO RAISINS` [SEND]

spigot: JUST GOING TO TUCK IN MY LANYARD HERE spigot: CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM spigot: `SPLORT` spigot: CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM spigot: `SPLOP` spigot: CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM spigot: `SPLOSH SPLAP SPLAP ` spigot: CAN WE USE YOUR SIDEWALK spigot: `SQUIRP SQUAP SQUOP` spigot: CAN WE USE YOUR MAILBOX spigot: `SPLUT SQUIRSH SQUIRSH ` spigot: CAN WE USE YOUR MIATA spigot: `SPLORT SPLOP SQUIRP SPLOSH SPLAP SPLAP SQUIRP SQUAP SQUOP SPLUT SQUIRSH` spigot: WHY DO ONLY DOGS GET PLASTIC BAGS

spigot: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: TAKIN' CARE / OF BUSINESS :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: spigot: :NOTES: EVERY DAY :NOTES: spigot: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: I'M / TAKIN' CARE OF BUSINESS :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: :NOTES: deuce: FUCKING GAY spigot: LOOKS LIKE WE'RE BOTH TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS spigot: :ICECREAM: :ICECREAM: :ICECREAM: :ICECREAM: T C B Y :ICECREAM: :ICECREAM: :ICECREAM: :ICECREAM: deuce: STANDING ON YOUR NECK UNTIL DEAD

spigot: SUCKING SO MUCH DICK MY WATCH THINKS I RAN A 5K